sometimes rain, sometimes rainbow - poetry collection

hindsight

hindsight is viewed through 20/20 frames, that cast a rosy glow on your memories. it never seems as bad once you've distanced yourself, emotional or physically. all consuming emotions, rock bottoms so deep i didn't think it possible to keep living. in the moment it seemed as if my world was ending, and honestly it probably was. being betrayed by the only friends you have left- stirring your undying fear of loneliness, of feeling forgotten, of feeling unimportant in your life. i may be the center of my mind, but i am a side character in my own life. having to speak your mind, defend yourself; knowing no one loves you enough to do it for you, knowing that you won't feel better for expressing yourself because what if the other person gets mad that im mad at them and then i get mad at them for being mad at me for being mad. the endless loop of unnecessary guilt where i become the villain for expressing my hurt feelings. where my brain feels too crowded with all the possibilities of what could go wrong and how it could be my fault. fights i never got to fight, words i never found the courage to say. a million defenses and honest statements i never bothered to offer because even i didn't love myself enough to defend me. hindsight is muddled with nostalgia, i may have been miserable but the few happy moments are enough to confuse my brain into thinking i was being dramatic, over exaggerating, asking for attention when i only wanted someone to understand where i was coming from. because it's never just the situation a hand, it's all the micro-aggressions and things i didn't complain about that led up to it, the moments in between where i can't decide if it's worth being rightfully upset or being defeatedly quiet, and the future: so incredibly uncertain. what if this is the hill i chose to die on and it actually kills me? what if they get tired of my sadness, my sensitivity, my inability to control my insurmountable anxiety that something terrible could happen at any moment. they will get tired of me, it's not even a question anymore. hindsight is the perfect reflection, where i replay the events over and over until i convince myself i deserved it, because if i was just more okay and less hurt there wouldn't have been a problem in the first place.