sometimes rain, sometimes rainbow - poetry collection

i regret how you're known me

i sit on park benches. take the air in. and read poetry. attempting to keep the evil thoughts at bay. i don't like knowing you've known me more intimately than others. more than choosing to stay, you're choosing to not let me leave. you want me here for your pleasure, for the services i render. for my companionship. for my giving nature. for my kindness—you always emphasize my kindness. i am kind to you for no reason other than your humanity. i feel no service rendered. there's nothing i take from you, there's nothing i need given to me. is there mutual benefit here? im not equipped to love someone. im not equipped to be loved. i need too much. i feel too much. i am too much. sitting on this bench. my legs crossed at the ankles. i take the air in. in. out. in. out. my lungs inflate and deflate. i don't like knowing i let you hurt me. choke me. i don't like knowing i let you love me. holding me in sleep, whispering sweet nothings into my ear. i don't like knowing how you've known me. how you won't know me as intimately again. how we've gone from from inside each other to miles apart. from that halfway point between lovers to my being used again and a placeholder for the platonic attention you never received. i sit on park benches. take air in. write poetry. and attempt to keep the evil thoughts at bay.

—in response to beautiful boy