✅ A Dose of Humiliation

51. A Matter of Convenience

With my friends already asleep, at least it would give me time to get changed for bed without any risk of someone else seeing. I was desperate to pee now, so the untimely end of the game seemed to be more convenient than I could have expected. I would go to the bathroom now, change into my diaper while I was there, and there would be no chance of the others seeing me. And then, depending on how tired I felt, I could either come back and sleep, or play games on my phone until either I fell asleep or someone else woke wanting to chat more. It wasn't the original plan; but if we were sleeping this early, it was unlikely we would all sleep for the whole night.

But even as I tried to form the plan in my head, I knew there was something else I was missing. What had surprised Jodie so much? She'd seemed to be angry for a few seconds before her eyes closed. Maybe she was half dreaming already, because there was nobody sitting on that side of her. Had she been pointing to where a couple of our bags were leaning against the wall, or to something on the television perhaps?

I hadn't even been watching what was on the screen; it was a low background noise, and a flicker of movement to provide a talking point if we somehow ran out of conversation. We'd just been watching whatever videos were recommended, and it looked like there was a music video on now, but it was possible that Jodie had been responding to whatever had been on a few seconds before. I wondered what it could have been, and then I blinked and rubbed my eyes as I realised. Maybe somewhere in my subconscious mind I'd already made the connection, because once I gave the screen my full attention only a few seconds passed before blocky letters danced across it.

"GO TO SLEEP"

As soon as I saw it, I knew the words had been there for a long time. Flickering, distortions in the shape of the image rather than solid colours. I could remember catching a glimpse of them a dozen times while we were playing Truth or Dare. Each time I would yawn or stretch, feeling a little bit more tired, and then forget that I'd even caught those words. I knew from past research that the system used a specific set of irregular frequencies to deliver the message so that we would see them and then erase them from consciousness again; taking advantage of our brains' natural error correction ability. But now I knew the words were there, I remembered each time I had noticed them, and every one of those memories seemed to make me more and more sleepy. From the first little surge of tiredness an hour ago, to actually noticing the effect and fighting to keep my eyes open for another second.

I needed to sleep, like the message said. I needed to go to sleep right now, and I knew that I didn't have the willpower to resist the suggestions enhanced by cutting-edge neuroscience. Once I'd seen it, it was too late to resist. The best I could do was put it off for a few seconds. Or follow the instruction in a way that I'd been rehearsing in my mind for most of the day.

Go to the bathroom, put a diaper on, come back here, and let my eyes close. That was my routine; that was the sequence of events implied by the instruction "go to sleep". I'd been conditioning to myself to believe that going to sleep necessarily included all of those steps, so that I wouldn't forget no matter how tired I was. And maybe it had worked, because on some level I knew that I was following the instruction.

I pushed against the arm of the sofa, and half-rose on heavy, shaking legs. I had to do this; I could feel the pressure in my bladder now, and already had to focus on holding it. There was no doubt that I would wet myself if I dozed off for even a second. But perhaps that desperation was actually helping me; I was sure that it would have kept me awake in any normal situation.

Once my eyes were away from the screen, looking down to make sure I didn't trip over anyone else's sleeping bags, I realised that it would probably be a good idea to turn the videos off. Jodie had almost certainly realised what Mrs Miller had done, in the instant before her eyes closed. Most of the others probably had as well. So when they woke up, it would be easy enough for them to start chatting. Maybe it would be like having a little nap before the proper end of the evening. I had the remote app running on my phone, so I tapped 'off' and I could tell that the screen had gone dark. Now, anyone who woke before morning wouldn't have to sleep again.

I thought about waking them. I probably would, I decided, so that they could then wake me up again as soon as my eyes closed. I would just have to poke Jodie in the arm on my way back from the bathroom, and she would know what was happening. But I still needed to put my diaper on, even if I was awake again just seconds after the subliminal message sent me off to dreamland. And I didn't want anyone to wonder why I was taking so long in the bathroom. It would be better to wake the others when I returned, and to let the command from the TV screen catch up with me when my bladder was already empty.

I carefully edged past where Elspeth's arm was stretched out across the floor. I wanted to move her into a more comfortable position, even if I wasn't waking her now, but I knew that was going to be risky. I was still fighting against my body, struggling to keep heavy limbs moving just one second longer. I could only go to the bathroom because I'd managed to convince myself that the routine was an intrinsic part of going to sleep, but even so it was hard to fight the tiredness. If I stopped for something that wasn't a part of that routine, I knew I would probably pass out where I stood.

"Oh, are you already sleepy?" I looked up and saw Mrs Miller opening the door in front of me. "I thought it might be good for you to have an early night after you've been working yourselves so hard, but I'm very happy to see that you are all putting your health first. I wouldn't move if I were you, Lorna. You look exhausted."

"I need to–" I started, and interrupted myself with a yawn. I had one hand on the back of the sofa now, and I was sure that my legs wouldn't have supported me on their own. "Need to use the bathroom. And get changed."

"Oh, yes. You need to put your diaper on, don't you? Still a baby in so many ways. But I don't want you waking your friends when they're sleeping so peacefully. You'll all feel better in the morning, I'm sure."

"Hstfg–" Nikki's eyes flickered open, and she mumbled incomprehensibly. I didn't know if she would have realised that the subliminal messages were on before she fell asleep, but I was worrying more about what she'd heard right now. I didn't want my friends to know that I was wearing diapers; even when they knew the reason, it would be impossible for them to respect me properly with that problem.

"Shush dear," Mrs Miller said, and reached out towards Elspeth. As she moved away again, I could see that my friend's eyes were closed again, and there was a pacifier in her mouth. One of the Sleepy Puff things that Mrs Miller had warned us about earlier. "Just sleep. And don't worry, dear. She won't remember those few seconds, so you still have your secret. But you need to not wake any of the others. If you're such a baby, you should have changed earlier in the evening. There is no reason to wait until you're squirming like that before you use the bathroom, unless your potty training has never been as good as you thought."

"I just..." I said, and took another step towards the door before I was stopped in my tracks by another huge yawn. My eyes closed this time, but the sense of movement as I started to topple forward stopped me falling asleep just yet. I knew that I had to hurry to get changed, and that there was a good chance I would fall asleep on the toilet in any case. Still, it was only across the hallway, and there was nobody else sprawled on the floor in my path, so I knew I could make it.

"I told you, it's time to sleep. Don't move around and wake your friends."

"I'll put my diaper on," I told her. "I can be–" This time it wasn't a yawn cutting off my words, but the sudden feeling of silicone against my lips as my mouth closed. The feeling of the pacifier in my mouth startled me, and the taste of lemon was almost overwhelming, more intense than anything I had ever tasted before.