✅ A Dose of Humiliation

72. Losing It

"What's this we've heard about you arguing with your teachers?"

Dad was right there with the accusations as soon as I walked in the door. And I hadn't even gotten in trouble today. Not that I thought it should make any difference. Did it matter if I was correcting a teacher who was being cruel to Serena for no reason, losing my mind over a racist comment, or laughing with the teacher when called Todd's gang out for tripping a younger kid. It shouldn't matter, because it was all just talking. And I hadn't even been angry today, but that didn't seem to matter to Mr Nolan. Saying anything was arguing in his book, and the punishment was the same for everyone.

"I wasn't arguing!" I snapped. "He just wants to tell everybody what to do. Just like you."

"Lorna..." he called out, raising his voice just a little. "You've been arguing with teachers, and late for class. What happened to accepting responsibility for your actions?"

"What, like you taking responsibility for what you've done to me? I'm wearing diapers to school now, and over one little accident. You never feel bad about that?"

"I thought you'd learn. I thought you'd stop causing trouble... You used to respect us. You used to do your best at school. What happened to that little girl?"

"You killed her!" I yelled back, stormed up the stairs and locked my door. I was shaking when I got there. I hadn't even taken my shoes off, but it didn't matter now. I kicked them off under my bed, put headphones in, and turned up some music as loud as it would go. I didn't hear them shouting. I didn't answer when I could see my door handle rattling as they banged on the door. I didn't want to listen to them now.

Some time passed. I don't know how long. But I realised that I would have to come out of my room if I wanted dinner. I sighed, and gritted my teeth. I didn't want to face Dad now, he would only make me angry again. Always putting me down. I couldn't take that. So I fished a bag of corn chips out of my bag, and a bottle of vodka from my desk drawer. That would have to be enough for today.

I lay back on my bed, and I drank. I was still hungry, but I told myself that I didn't care. I didn't want to see them now, I just couldn't face what they had done to me. I knew I could only be angry, and when the anger took over there was no way I could stay reasonable.

The booze didn't help. I couldn't stop hating my parents for making me feel like this, and I knew that there was nothing I could do now to make up for the way I had reacted. I wasn't thinking clearly. And then my thoughts came back to getting out of this. To the antidote. Could I face that? I could go to the legal filings centre and submit a statement that I'd been given the Punishment Pill without a valid reason. There was no argument against that, and the courts would order them to give me the antidote. The only downside was that Dad would have to face the consequences. He could go to jail, and he'd definitely never be able to see me or my brother again. And after everything he'd put me through, I was sure that he deserved it. But at the same time, Mum had tried to see reason. She'd come over to my side just as soon as I told her that Becker had lied. But it had been too late; and her signature was on those forms too. She'd rubber-stamped her approval, thinking that a trusted professional would fill in the documents honestly.

I couldn't do that to her. I could try to hate her, and I knew that I would lash out at her without thinking as soon as I was in a bad mood, but somewhere deep down I knew that it couldn't be her fault. Dad's either; he'd grown up with his parents pushing the narrative that all teenagers needed discipline to stop them veering onto the wrong path of self-destruction; it was the same treatment his own father had given him when he started to rebel. He wasn't equipped to deal with a doctor or pharmacist not being the voice of reason. He might know how corrupt the courts were, but he still believed in justice. Not in a system that allowed the powerful to stamp down on anyone they didn't like.