in between the lines

letters (never) sent

8 we were strangers—then you fell badly on the swing, causing your knees to bleed. Being the empathic person I am, I immediately helped you. Encouraged you to get up saying, "'wag kang umiyak, kailangan nating sabunin at hugasan 'yan o mapuputulan ka ng tuhod!"

14 we were schoolmates, and you were a year older so I looked up to you. We barely know each other, but a fleeting memory of us when we were eight crossed my mind every time you walk past my canteen table.

18 we were friends, a very close one, even. I guess it just happened. Started when I was going to the same college you're at and I had to ask you about the application requirements. I remember your constant line, "Dami mong tanong, Risa. Sana pinalitan ko na 'yung registrar." Yet you answered every query I had.

20 you had your first love and first heartbreak. Funny enough, there was I, comforting you again as you shed tears over things that hurt you. This time it wasn't a physical wound, it was a wound inside you. A wound I cannot heal with just soap and water.

22 we were still close, like each other's half. Just the thought of you leaving makes me dizzy and anxious. Is it selfish for me to ask you not to leave just yet?

25 you were teasing me about becoming a sad crying woman when I turn 50. You said we were approaching our 30s. I know that. You asked me if I wanted to grow old alone. I said yes, or if given the slightest chance, it's you I want to grow old with.

27 and you've found another love. I prayed and prayed it wasn't your last—that I'll be your last. Was I selfish? Yes. Do I regret feeling that way? No.

30 we were still friends. We don't usually hang out like before. No more spontaneous visits, grocery runs, and movie nights. Only me, waiting for you to send me a text. I'll take anything, be it asking if I'm okay or if I'm still paying my taxes. And if you did, I will say a firm no just so we can prolong the conversation.

32 you were hurt but you didn't cry. There's an ache in me that grew, one that follows the places where I would've embraced you, one that lies heavy in my chest when I realized you didn't cry in my arms this time.

35 like a cycle, we started at zero. I don't want to give up yet. This was our final chance. If I really am not for you, then I will accept it in a heartbeat.

40 all those years of loving you, ends with me alone, falling off a swing with no one to catch. It's okay, I didn't need anyone to catch me.

50 I look back as I write my final entry. And while doing so, walking a few steps away from me is the woman I am to spend a lifetime with. My Leni whom I married today, I may be a crying woman in her 50s but it wasn't tears of sadness you said. Rather, tears of inexplicable relief of having the familiar you.

With love,

R

—

I've written too much lnrs childhood friends to lovers awat na T_T

I think letters are really nice (hence, the content). short ud, just wanted to get some words out my head.