The way of your movements( Fruk)

17

After the seminar was over, Alfred asked me to talk in private. Francis, Yao, Ivan, and Matthew, who was the brother of Alfred, stood away from us while we talked.

"Was I right? Does he like you? You never answered," Alfred smiled and signed. I rolled my eyes at him and tried to cover our hands best. "He does, but I don't know how I feel; I'm still surprised he wanted to be my friend first place."

"This is good; it gives me hope that maybe I could find someone who will care for me that much," he smiled and signed. I nodded at him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Let's go back," I added, pulling him. He nodded at me, and he walked beside me so we could go back together. Everyone was still talking, and it made me happy to see them.

We approached everyone, and I didn't feel like signing, so I only watched as everyone talked to each other. My mind was full of so many thoughts. I know I said I would try and accept it, but I can't. I don't understand why he would like someone like me. The stress of it was starting to give me a headache, and I felt sick.

Francis turned to look at me, and he smiled. His smile was sweet and made me wish I was blind instead. He was charming, and I didn't have an excuse to touch his face and figure out why his features were soft and beautiful. I didn't deserve his affection. He should not waste time with someone like me. He deserved someone better, someone, who could enjoy the things he wanted. He deserved way more...and I couldn't give it to him. He deserved many things in this world, and I was not one of them...not even close.

I can't understand it! Why did he like me? What did he find so attractive about me? Was he only saying it to make a fool of me? Picking on the deaf guy? I can't like him back; I shouldn't! I would be easily hurt. There was no way I could be in a relationship with him. I could barely understand how I was feeling half the time. I looked at Francis, and I understood the type of person he was.

He was the type that everyone flocked toward, he was loved, and he was a fantastic person. Saying he was beautiful was an understatement. He had the personality of the sun and always tried to talk to me even when I knew I was treating him like a dick. Francis says he cares for me, but I refuse to accept it. I refuse to accept that he could love someone like me.

It didn't have to do with my disability entirely, but it was part of it. I had learned to live my life around being deaf. I don't do things "normal" people would do. I can't even cook for myself. I can't walk alone sometimes. I can't listen to music or go out dancing; I can't enjoy the things he might enjoy. Going to the movies, I can't do the things he can, yet he still has feelings for me. How is that possible?

What did I do to him? We could hardly communicate, and he even threw something at me to get my attention.

I may have forgotten what it feels like to be loved, and I am scared to experience any romantic affection he may want to give me. I would be completely vulnerable in a situation like that. To close my eyes and kiss him...I would be trapped.

How could I be vulnerable around him when I was scared to be susceptible alone? Closing my eyes at night worried me...what if something were to happen while I slept. I was unconscious and vulnerable. To accept his feelings...and then to...

Wait...

To...

Accept my feelings...

Yao looked at me concerned and signed, "Are you okay?" By then, everyone had started to look at me. Francis placed a hand on my shoulder, and I moved it away nervously. Something was wrong with me; I didn't feel good. I shook my head at Yao that I wasn't okay, and Francis began to hold me nervously.

"What's wrong?" Yao asked, getting closer.

No!

They all looked at me, concerned, and began to surround me. Besides the overwhelming feeling I get when people surround me like this, it was not the main reason I was starting to freak out. My heart was beating fast, and I began to hold it. "I don't feel good; please back up," I spoke and signed.

How was this information making me freak out this badly?

No...it was not just the information...

I began thinking of the feelings I felt as Francis texted me, how I wanted his attention all the time, how we took a stroll, and how he made me cake. The way we entangled our arms as we left...

How angry I was when he didn't give me attention when I thought I deserved it more.

I didn't want to accept his feelings because then, I would have to accept mine...

And I was not ready to deal with the unknown.

Ivan began to pull Alfred and Matthew away from me, and I held onto Francis for support.

I felt myself hyperventilating, and Yao began to hold me and gestured for me to take deep breaths. I nodded at him nervously, still holding onto Francis, but this piercing pain shot through my head.

"You need to explain to me what's wrong," Yao signed.

"My head, it hurts badly," I signed and felt my eye twitching. "Arthur, you need to take a seat," Yao signed. Francis began to hold me as I backed away, and I still felt like my brain was about to explode. The stress this was causing me was proof that I could not handle a relationship. Not with Francis, but in general. I wasn't worthy of loving someone, and he shouldn't waste his time on someone like me.