NO STRINGS ATTACHED #Jiminfanfic (COMPLETED)

CHAPTER 17.

Jimin pov:

“They” say that a parent should never outlive their child. The ubiquitous “they”. There’s truth in that, but it’s not a worst-case scenario. “They” don’t seem to have an aphorism that covers how parents shouldn’t be responsible for the death of their children.

“They” also say that you need to take things one day at a time. That was actually of more help to me, both in my sobriety and in dealing with the loss I was responsible for. A lifetime of living with the guilt of my wife and son being crushed by that truck because I was in rehab instead of with them was inconceivable, but today? Yeah, I could probably make it through today.

Another truism was that the best way to help yourself is often to help others. So, that’s what I did. Big Mike got us a chartered flight to New York and we spent a week volunteering at a center for veterans with addiction issues in Westchester. It was good, for both of us. Mike had to scale back his scary bad-ass persona since we were dealing with some actual scary bad-asses. I was able to get some perspective on who I was, both to myself and others.

Lini held down the fort. In addition to everything else, it was humbling to see how little we were actually needed. We like to pretend that we’re hard-core and knee-deep in the business, but the truth is that it was often just a fancy clubhouse for not-so grown-up little boys. While we escaped our privileged lifestyles by sharing a room and doing grunt work for a while, Lini made sure that the trains ran on time, the bills got paid and everyone was happy back home at the studio.

Em sent texts. Lots of texts. I couldn’t deal and Mike threatened to take my phone. I’ve known for a while that it was okay to be selfish when it came to my sobriety. If she was triggering me, I needed distance. But that was while I was awake. I’d lay in that uncomfortable, narrow bed ten feet away from a snoring Mike and start to think of her as I drifted off.

I wanted to answer her texts. Fuck, I wanted to just grab the phone and call her. That’s what I wanted, but not what I needed. Besides, what was I going to say? That I was 1,500 miles away handling my shit so I can’t help Leia today? Instead, I leaned on Lini again. She’d tell me that Em would call and what they discussed. I was an open book. I was being honest when I told Em that I didn’t want there to be any more secrets. Lini had carte blanche to tell her anything.

After putting the mop and bucket back in the closet, I went down to the kitchen. Mike was doing food prep. He was surprisingly good. He had a staff member telling him what was needed, but if he put his mind to it, there were few things he couldn’t do. I grabbed an orange and a sandwich and sat next to him while he chopped some celery.

“When you’re done eating, pack your shit. We have a flight back at nine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. LaGuardia.”

“You don’t ever get tired of just making all the decisions, like I’m gonna follow you around like your puppy or some shit?”

“You wanna stay, Jimin? Got some more stuff to work through? Wanna clean a few more toilets?”

He continued when I remained silent.

“Didn’t think so. Car service is picking us up at seven.”

“Okay.”

Lini gave us a thorough debriefing when we returned to the office two days later. I’d had a cleaning service come in and scrub down my house. It smelled vaguely like some industrial-strength antiseptic, but at least I was able to go back in my bedroom. I still slept in the guestroom, but at least the bedroom didn’t hold too many ghosts of what could have been.