I Am My Own (Reader x Thranduil)

Chapter 39

Thank you to my readers, you've been so encouraging that I feel the need to keep this going. Please bear with me, as I know my posts are irregular. I have not forgotten about this story and I do not intend to. 💜

"The rations we have should far outlast the winter. It was a plentiful year," Daealla nodded and looked up from the ledger she held, "Would you like to take a look (Y/N)?"

I lowered the letter I had received from my parents. My father had planned to visit for a discussion with Oropher while my mother would stay home to keep everything running smoothly. The marriage between Thranduil and I was an alliance after all and if Greenwood was at war, so was my parent's kingdom.

I took the ledger from Daealla. She was right. Referencing the numbers from last year's harvest, the amount of food supply had nearly doubled.

"I would like to send another shipment of supplies to your parents," Daealla said.

My heart skipped a beat and I gave a gracious smile.

"Thank you, My Queen."

Perhaps I could visit my old home along with the shipment of supplies. It has been so long since I had seen the place I was so familiar with and I longed to visit Maewin and my mother.

Daealla gave me a warm smile in return and began writing carefully on a separate sheet of parchment. I thought of easing my curiosity by sneaking a peak of what she was working on but before I could catch a glance or ask her about it, Thranduil had already thrown the door open to the common room we were in.

His eyes were wild and searching. My stomach immediately began to twist. He was flushed , not with anger I realized, but with worry. No, not worry. Panic. Daealla turned in her chair in, clear confusion written across her face.

"Thranduil, what-," she started but he had already flown past her, latching onto one of my arms and pulling me to my feet.

"What... what is... I...-," my mouth was nothing but a stumbling mess as Thranduil pulled me to the side, away from his mother.

He seemed out of breath and agitated. I knew he had been in a meeting this morning and it was normal for him to come back from those meetings frustrated. I've started to acclimate myself to his outbursts, understanding that it wasn't ever me that he was upset with but instead the situation he was dealing with at the time.

But this was different. He was in complete distress.

He spun me around to face him and firmly put his hands on each of my shoulders, taking in every detail of my face.

"Thranduil what is going on? You're scaring me.What is happening," I asked peaking over his broad shoulders to catch a glance at Daealla who had been watching us.

Oropher had walked in at that moment, quietly beckoning his wife to him.

Thranduil didn't explain anything immediately, he just pulled me in tightly for a hug. Stunned and frightened, all I could do was carefully angle my arms around his leather armor. We stayed like that for a long while and I counted each and every one of my breaths in that time.

I had to pull away. Anxiety was beginning to eat at my insides and I couldn't wait any longer for an explanation, especially after noticing how Daealla and Oropher were seriously discussing something in the far corner of the room. I could see no humor in Oropher's eyes nor the common calmness in Daealla's movements. Her hand shook as she raised it to cup her own cheek.

Oh, Illuvatar... If she was panicking too, then-

"Thranduil, please," I looked up at him, begging for solace, "Tell me what is happening."

He steadied his eyes and I could see him gathering his thoughts before speaking. He was deliberate.

When I hear Thranduil say the name Sauron, the skin along my arms and the back of my neck burn with anxiety. The details disappear as Thranduil speaks and I only hear bits and pieces. Was I really so naive to think that our enemy would stay in the shadows forever?

"The threat he poses only increases the longer we wait for the battles to come," Thranduil says lowly.

I waited for him to continue. There was nothing I could say. He hadn't yet spoken the worst of it.

"We are expected to join forces, and meet the threat before it has a chance to make it here."

My knees shook and I had to steady myself by focusing on the positions of my feet to keep me standing.

No. No no no no no.

"But that means..." I couldn't finish the sentence nor did I want to. Perhaps if I didn't say it, then it wouldn't materialize.

It didn't matter, because Thranduil continued for me.

"It means I will be leaving very soon."

"Very soon? H-how... when... I mean how soon is soon," my breathing became more shallow. My mind tried to come up with solutions that just weren't there. He was going to have to leave to meet death on the front lines of war and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"I just... Thranduil," I tried to take a breath, "Thranduil, I don't know what to do. What do I do?"

The panic began to swell inside me and my words were spilling out of me in quick secession. I could feel a twisting sensation in my stomach. My throat tightened as the feeling moved upward, causing my eyes to begin to burn at the edges. I was spiraling, falling without control.

"Hey," I heard Thranduil say sternly. He had gripped my arms tightly enough to pull me back for a moment. He was steady, he seemed calm. If he was calm, then I could be calm too. "I need you to just look at me. That's all I need you to do right now."

I nodded and took a deep breath. And then another. And another.

We stood there until I felt like my mind wasn't going to run away and leave me behind anymore. Finally, after I had ensured to Thranduil that I was alright, he pulled me in and hugged me tightly. He let his cheek rest on the top of my head and I could feel the movement in his jaw as he spoke.

"This isn't a problem you'll be able to solve on your own," he said lowly in a hushed tone, "Some things just aren't in our control."

"I know."

And I hated it.