Leavitt Stafford and the Awful, Terrible, Not Very Nice Plan.

Chapter the Thirty-Ninth: The Ideas

Pat was angry. They were angry, enraged, incensed, furious, and fuming. Zeus could not continue to behave in this way! He had caused quite enough harm, and now was the time for him to finally be stopped.

"Oh, cheer up," Zeus said, lounging upon his chaise lounge again and sipping a glass of the finest heavenly red wine. Of course, in Heaven, neither food nor wine had any effect on the body other than to produce a certain pleasurable effect, or perhaps a most repulsive effect, if one wished to be particularly disagreeable. That is, if you cared to refer to Zeus's immense energetic form as a body, which it was not; it merely resembled a body.

"No!" Pat marched towards Zeus, and they snatched the wine from his nonchalant hand, spilling it everywhere. "You nearly killed that innocent man! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"That was my finest red wine!" Zeus protested. "Anyway, you can't really blame me for what I did; I was getting bored of bullying Queen Vic, so I decided to challenge myself and see if I could possess that Eberhard bloke whilst also forcing her to do an assault course with piranha solution. She has a few holes burnt in her feet now, by the way. I thought about fixing them, but I decided it'd be more interesting to watch her walk around like that."

"Stop making a joke out of everything! You're ruining people's lives, and yet you just sit back and laugh?"

"I do," said Zeus, "because it's funny. You should stop being so serious and appreciate this fine art of comedy."

"It isn't comedy," Pat growled, "if it ruins people's lives!"

"I strongly disagree," Zeus practically sang. He turned to the nearby horses, and he enquired, "You think it's funny and entertaining, don't you?"

The horses did not answer; their requirement to obey the commands of both gods made this a rather arduous task, particularly since the godly commands would contradict one another not altogether uncommonly. Instead, they continued to neigh amongst one another as though they hadn't heard a thing.

"I fucking don't," contributed Pat.

"Yeah, well I never asked you." Zeus flicked through the channels of his holy television languidly... until Pat stood before it, hands on their hips as they glared at Zeus.

"You know what you're going to do? You're going to leave innocent people alone, return Queen Victoria to her castle, and then you're going to NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN!" With a click of their fingers, Queen Victoria appeared, very clearly shaken by everything which had happened. She was so shaken, in fact, that she was literally shaking. "WELL?" Pat demanded.

"Well what?" yawned Zeus. "Oh hi, Queen Vic. Having a nice day?"

In response, Queen Victoria burst into tears.

"It's okay," Pat told Queen Victoria, rubbing her back as she wept, "I'm gonna get you back to your castle, and then you won't have to deal with Zeus again."

"Oh, come on! I was planning on making her fight grizzly bears!"

"WELL, TOUGH SHIT! Besides, aren't you getting a bit distracted?"

"From what?"

"From, well..." Pat snatched Zeus's holy television remote and switched the channel to the Leavitt TV channel, upon which Leavitt was running and running and running. "From HIM, perhaps?"