Leavitt Stafford and the Awful, Terrible, Not Very Nice Plan.

Chapter the Forty-Second: An Overdue Arrest

Magnolia awoke to an immense expanse of light. As she opened her eyes, all she could see was light, light which would ordinarily burn... except that she felt no pain. She felt not a great deal at all. Of course, she felt emotion, and the emotion she felt at this moment was bewilderment, but all she felt in the physical sense was energy which flowed through her entire form, and which journeyed to and from every point around her. It was truly the most bizarre sensation she had ever experienced.

Eventually, surroundings began to materialise around her. Grand marble pillars which would not appear out of place in Ancient Greece crept from the dry mist of energy. Magnificent architecture which not even Montague could dream of witnessing sprung from the light, emanating the utmost aura of pomp and brilliance. The most verdant vegetation imaginable crept its leafy fingers across every surface in sight. There were crowds everywhere, joyful crowds, miserable crowds, though many of the persons in the crowds were clearly not of mankind. As a matter of fact, there was a considerable population of horses strolling through these crowds independently of any carriages or such, clad in the most ornate of outfits!

A gentleman who rather resembled the Greek god known as Zeus suddenly loomed over Magnolia. "Hi, Magnolia," he greeted her. "My name is Zeus, and I've just popped by to tell you that you died, and that you're in Heaven. Oh, by the way, Hell isn't real."

"Pardon?"

"Aren't you relieved about not going to hell? You can do whatever you want up here. I'm afraid your family probably won't be around for a while, but still, there's lots of fun to be had in Heaven!"

Magnolia blinked, struggling to process what had happened. Mere minutes before, she had been chasing Leavitt, but now she had died and gone to Heaven? It was all so sudden! How could it have been that it could have all been ended so abruptly by her being pushed down the staircase?

The pain it had caused was unlike anything she had ever experienced...

"I'd love to stand around and chat a bit," continued Zeus, "but I'm afraid you'll have to come with me so I can explain what I want you to do. It's really important, you see."

"I'm sorry," mumbled Magnolia, "but I am rather disoriented. I may need a moment before you begin to explain what you wish from me..."

"I get it," said Zeus. "It must be really weird to have been on Earth one second and in Heaven the next, with no memory of exactly how you got there other than your death. Trust me, I've heard a lot of this from people. You kind of have to hear a lot of it when you're a god."

Magnolia gasped. "You... are God?"

"One of them. I'm gonna basically skip over the Greek Mythology bullshit since that was something the Ancient Greeks made up when I was sightseeing one day and having a bit of fun, but yeah, I'm not the only god. The other god is called Pat, but I really do wish they wouldn't nag me so much about morals."

"...do you mean to tell me that all that was in the Bible was a lie?"

"Well, I wasn't technically talking about the Bible, but yeah, everything in that book is complete bullshit. I think it's funny to watch, honestly."

Magnolia began to lift herself from her position upon the ground, and she glared at Zeus. "All of these lives have been thrown into ruin due to the lies the priests tell the worshippers, and you did not think to end this misery? My husband believes he shall face the flames of Hell, and you do not think to intervene?"

Zeus beamed. "That's right! It's a necessary sacrifice in the name of entertainment."

"But it's despicable!"

"Oh, don't go on at me like that. I just told you how sick I am of Pat nagging me about morals. Besides, can't we all just have a bit of fun?"

"Not at the expense of others!"