bitter line on my tongue

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i just need it to stop 
need a hug that the 
one thin line will
break and all of this will go like a 
little things falling down 
in winter 
those which you put on 
your tongue 
to eat it.
but this...
this is different
this is so bitter 
and 
gross
that all of it looks
like sth you want to swallow fast as you can 
or push away so far away

but what i can say,
sometimes  it's even more scary to 
have that somewhere out there than in
cause it all can come back .

that's why I swallow it 
it's easier
i promise

let me in 
cause i'm not how i look even with smile 
even with laughing till my tears are out
cause everything is happening at one time 
and i can't even throw this up. 

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