The Clear green

Jayce

How am I supposed to live?How am I supposed to keep my heart beating without blood rushing into it?I have no choice, I've never had a choice.Not even when it was about me.But it was about her.Someone I hurt without actually doing it.Why doesn't all this make sense?I do not want that anymore.I want her.I've always wanted her.Always.But did she want me if she had convinced herself so easily?And did I want her to keep drowning or help her get away from me?I felt her presence on the other side. I knew she was listening."I don't deserve you, you need someone who can love you without drowning you." my voice got softer and softer.My eyes fell shut because they just didn't have the strength to stay open anymore."Good night, my love." I said, not knowing that these were my last words ever intended for her.

I woke up not at her door but in an unfamiliar apartment.I sat up straight and grabbed my forehead with a hand that was overheating."God you babbled like a cat in your sleep bro." Endy leaned against the door frame.I reflexively got up and walked towards him."Wait!" Endy raised his arms in front of him."You're such a bloody jerk!" my eyes watered but my tone remained stern. My eyes locked on his and never left them unattended for a moment."Hey, hey." He grabbed my arm and put me back on the bed."Here, pull." He held out a handful of white powder.I turned my head away from him vigorously."Yeah, okay, chill." Endy took a paper straw and sniffed the powder through his nose."Pah." He shook himself."You're still hooked." I stated."Oh, let's not overdo it, because it was you too." he answered annoyingly."Exactly, I was, you are."I got up, grabbed my jacket that was on a red chair in the corner and walked out the door.

I found the front door and it was raining outside, I put the hood of my jacket on and walked towards my apartment.I recognized this area, I used to hang out here with Endy and other guys from school.We did a lot of shit.I remember the one time we broke into our Principals apartment and stole the answers for the upcoming exsams,he caught us tho and put us in detention for 2 weeks.

I quickened my steps.When I finally arrived, I went up the stairs 2 at a time.The door was open and men in work clothes carried my things out into a truck."What are you doing?" I grabbed one of the men walking past by the shoulder."Our job, take your hands off, boy." He said annoyed and freed himself from my grip.I only knew one person who could do that.

I slammed open the doors of my father's office."What are you doing? What the bloody shit!" I yelled at him.I ran up to him and grabbed his collar tightly."What have you done?" I shouted in his face."Son, you didn't do what I wanted. You refused." He said, barely breathing.I gripped him tighter."How can you be so psychopathic to do something like that? I'm fucking grown up. I'm not your servant,nor your slave,alright? Threaten me again and next time I'll see you in hell." Out of breath, I let go of him.He stumbled backwards and grabbed the table."Im doing you a favor." A smile spread across his mouth.,,You are grown up,yes,but your dumb and naiv,I want to help you."I realized what he meant by that.He kicked her out.Shit.I turned to the door and ran to Nova's room."Nova?!" I asked as I slammed open the door."Oh shit!" Maddy yelled back and slapped me in the face."Oh, sorry, I mean-eh, sorry, yeah-" she hesitated."Where's Nova?" I asked while looking around the small room."Uh, she flew away this morning," she said quickly.I fell to my knees and hid my face in my hands."DAMN IT!" I just yelled.Im a disappointment,she will hate me till I die.What the hell am I supposed to do?How the hell am I supposed to survive?Suddenly I had an idea, a stupid and thoughtless idea that I shouldn't have.I got up and ran again.But this time to Endy.I knocked vigorously on the door."Open up-" I called and the door opened."I knew you'd be back." He grinned at me."Stop it and give it to me." I commanded.He took the white powder and the straw out of his pocket.This time it was me who pulled it.I've drowned in myself.Again.