𝑌𝑜𝑢 | 𝐽𝑎𝑑𝑜𝑛 𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑐ℎ𝑜

19

We sit down at the table on opposite sides.

"Jadon, you have to know that I never intended to lie to you and I finally want to tell you everything, because I think you deserve to know. Out of all people in the world you're probably the only one who would not judge me, but even if you did I would understand", I start. I've trained so hard not to cry in the last years, but I don't even care if I do cry right now.

"So, remember when I told you everything at the playground a few months ago? That I have successfully made it out of this business and that I have a job and all of that?", I asked, not wanting him to answer. And he doesn't.

"Well, it was all true to that point. I didn't lie to you about any of that. I really did make it out and I really had a job. I was feeling really good and happy, finally having something in my life to hold on. It felt good knowing I have my brother back, knowing I have you back. Even my mother was willing to change", I pause and smile at him sadly.

"But you know what they say: where there is light there is also shadow. I knew it had to come like that because why should I be allowed to live a normal life? I haven't done anything but fucked up shit", I swallow hard.

"I worked with Mehmet before. When we were younger and before I was caught up in prison. After he found out I was back he wanted me to be a part of the gang again. He and his sister told me I was the best member and they could not do it without me anymore. I didn't care what they were telling me. I really didn't want to come back. But he then started to threaten me with my life and I was scared of him. Everyone is scared of him. He told me he would kill me because I know too much and stuff like that and then I agreed on joining him again. But just because I just met my brother and his family again and you too. I didn't want to loose that", I say and give him a weak smile once again.

"At first it started with smaller things and it was fine until I saw Mehmet stabbing two boys in front of my eyes. They were probably 13 years old and I still feel so bad about not having done anything. I have these horrible nightmares since that day, but I won't complain because I deserve that. You remember the day you slept at my place too, don't you? After you took me to the airport we flew to Jamaica. It was the worst thing I have ever done. I saw Mehmet kill a lot more people. Older woman, pregnant women and even children. I was traumatised. When I got back early to pick up my mother I was glad she was leaving because I sat in my flat all day just staring at the ceiling and at the walls. I'm serious. I haven't left my apartment in two months. Sofia noticed after a few days and brought up food and things I needed. And after a while Mehmet came to see me. I think he new he lost me when I was shaking so hard I couldn't stand anymore. I was in that condition until you showed a few weeks ago. You're the only person I can face alone without breaking down and I know it's definitely not fair of me telling you this because you should not sympathise with me or anything", I say not looking at him anymore.

"You just need to know that I'm sorry. If I could, I would turn back the time and change everything in my life. But it's easy to say this after all the bad is done", I know look at Jadon, but he just watches the single tears rolling down my cheeks.

I don't know how I exactly wanted him to react or how I expected him to, but I at least thought he would say something.

After a few more moments of silence I finally stand up and go to my room. I think it's time for me to leave.