[MUS4] The Bachelor's Desires|✔

CHAPTER 30

Chapter 30

Colt Pov

I stared blankly at my window. The rain has been pouring nonstop since I got here, though it was not that strong pero nakakabahala pa rin kapag nagpatuloy ang ganitong panahon.

I don't know what's the situation out there pero sa tatlong araw na ganito ang panahon at di nagpapakita ang araw baka bumaha na ang ibang ligar dahil sa nagtataasang tubig ng mga ilog.

I raised my hand and ran my finger along the drops of rain on the transparent window beside me. The gloomy clouds were still out there, and it looks like it's not going to stop pouring.
 
The cold weather and the emptiness I felt within collided. The heater inside my room couldn't beat the coldness inside me.   
 
I don't feel like moving. I don't feel like walking, even inside my house and even in my room. I just feel like sitting beside the floor-to-ceiling window of my room and eyeing the faint rain. I feel cold, yet I find calm watching the rain. 
 
I thought of him as rain. I thought of him as both a curse and a blessing. I thought of him as my home. I thought of him as my strength.  

Si Johannes ang ulan na dumating sa buhay ko na handa akong magtampisaw na sana sa kanya. Akala ko sa muling pagbalik niya sa akin—sa muling pagbalik ng ulan ay hindi na ako mauuhaw sa kanya. Akala ko nasanay na ako na wala siya sa mga taon na dumaan pero hindi pa pala. Akala ko nakasanayan ko na kaso nagkamali na naman ako.

Talagang tulad ng ulan si Johannes, bigla-bigla dumarating pero bibiglaan ka sa pagkawala nito. At kung matagal na nawala ay hahanapin mo. Ihihiling mo na naman na sana dumating ulit. Na sana umulan ulit. Na sana akin siyang muli.

Sa pagkauhaw ko sa ulan ko ako 'yong naghanap sa kanya. Hinanap ko siya. Pinuntahan ko siya. Ngunit iba ang nadatnan ko. Nahuli na yata ako. Mukhang wala na akong aasahan sa ulan na hinihiling ko.

Sumaya ako nang dumating siya. Hindi ko inaakala na malaki ang magiging papel niya sa buhay ko. Akala ko kasi asungot lang siya na mawawala at 'yon lang, kaso iba ang dinulot niya sa akin. He brings out something within me. He makes me happy in a way that no one could ever do. He was able to break the mighty wall I built for years. He was able to invade my whole being.  

Pero sabi nga nila kapag may saya may lungkot. If there's joy, there's is pain will come along. Ito na iyong kinakatakutan ko ang pagkasira ng pader na matagal ko nang binuo. At ito na ang dulot ng pagkasira noon. The pain was unbearable to the point where I felt impassive around me.  
 
I thought he was my shelter for my poor heart, but his lies wrecked it. I thought I finally found my source of strength, yet I failed woefully again. 
 
It was wrong that I depended on my happiness and my strength in him. It was wrong that I entrusted my heart to him because he failed me—he disappointed me... so much! However, when I regain myself, when I finally build myself again out of nothing, I still look for him. My heart still wants him. My heart never stops shouting for Johannes. 
 
I found my happiness again without him. I found my strength again without him. I finally pulled myself together again without him. Yet I still want him. I still want his tease and his silly jokes. I still want his attention and warmth. I still want Johannes for me.
 
And when I finally have the strength to go after him after years. Nabigo na naman ko. Nabigo na naman ako hindi dahil kay Johannes kundi dahil na sa sarili ko. Umasa kasi ako dahil sa sulat niya. Umasa kasi ako dahil sa nararamdaman ko. Umasa kasi ako kasi akala ko mahal niya ako. Kaso mukhang masyado na yata akong... huli?

I jolted when I hear knocks from my door. Hindi ako sumagot at hindi ko iyon pinagbuksan.

"Kuya? Nandito na po ang lunch mo." si Joe iyon.