Dear Black Girl, It's Gonna Be Ok

I wish I knew...

So lets begin shall we,

I wish I knew....I wish I knew how to defend myself without having the heart to feel bad about it. Let's get one thing about me clear, I am not a violent person. Now when you take one look at me from a distance, you may think that I'm angry about something, or you may think I am very intimidating from first glance.

Ladies and ladies, I have what you may call RBF syndrome (Resting Bitch Face). It looks like I'm a mean person like I'm gonna cuss you out for bothering me to ask me what's wrong or it may look to you like I'm mad about something...I'm just not. It's either I'm thinking deep about something and with out me knowing it I furrow my eyebrows together. Usually I would sit there with a blank face and it looks like I'm mean/or mad at something. But that is the least of what I am about to say in this chapter.

When I say I wish I knew how to defend myself early on, what I mean is that growing up I was always the butt of everyone's jokes. I was a plus size girl growing up. I was a little obese as I would say myself, I did have a tummy, and I still do have a tummy to this day. I was a little bit more taller than the other kids I went to school with, so that was a plus in my torment from other children that was my age at the time, but my chubbiness was the root of it all. I've always been chubby when I was first born, then as I began to grow, I slimed down, but the moment I started school, it all went downhill from there. I was called each and every name from the book. I was called "fatty" "biggie" the kids went as far as to calling me a "big bitch" "fat bitch" I would not do nothing. I would literally sit there and endure the name calling. I would do absolutely NOTHING to them, I was never the trouble maker, never spoke to them ever...and I was always the one receiving the short end of the stick. I can remember a time when I was in the 3rd grade, I had a teacher by the name 'Mrs. Ortiz' a black woman herself, I always remembered her being a very fun teacher, not afraid to make you laugh or get you out of your comfort zone, I was always the opposite student that stayed in her shell and away from the spotlight, but she was always patience with me, and I loved that about her. But she was reading in to us students in class and I was listening, but also writing in my notebook, It was a old folklore story about Cinderella, and it showed an image of the mean step sisters, one sister had a long pale face with tight lips and tall posture, and the other sister was short, fat and had the same uptight mean face like the tall slim one, two boys who sat beside each other infront of me looked back and leaned over and said to the other "that one (the fat one) looks like Bre'ana" trying to whisper and failing miserably. Half the class heard it, even Mrs. Ortiz heard it and stopped reading for a second.

I believed ol'boy wanted me to hear it, because the nigga looked back at me and told another boy just so they can laugh at me with that failed funky ass attempt of "whispering". Now I don't wanna say no names here *coughs* JOEL *coughs some more* TROY

*clears throat* oooh I'm so sorry yall I didn't mean to do that, but anyways,

I wished I said something in the missed of it, but two boys ganging up on one girl like me wasn't my go to. I don't fight boys, but those niggas then needed a good ol' country ass whoopin' if I say so personally myself. But I was never the one to speak up and speak out. I suffered in my own silence. The school itself wasn't any help to my aid either. Andrew Jackson Academy is the worst school in all of PGCPS county. I went through hell with some crooked teachers and principals, and the students was too damn much of hoodrats. Sorry to say that about my people, but them niggas in there was something different, not in a good way, if you wanna know in what way I am talking about, imagine going on one field trip and never going to anywhere in public ever again kind of way. Yeah, the whole school was a shit show all together.

I finally left that school and went to another school called Skyline Elementary, the best two years of my life. From the fifth grade all the way to the sixth, I felt ok, yes I still got picked on, from a couple of boys and a girl that tried to say I look like a man, but was more tougher on the looks more than me, lets just say that the day she tried me, she never came around me again, I promise you that. Then I got promoted from the sixth on to the seventh, and I had to go right back to andrew jackson.......I know, move forward three, you go back ten. But I sucked it up, and by that I mean I was throwing hay makers at anybody who wanted to try me at any moment. I now realized during that time in my life, I was fed the fuck up. I was truly tired of being a literal punching bag to them, so after all of the years I was too afraid to fight back I finally did it. And I always kept it with me. But with the fighting I always cried afterwards, not because I felt bad, I will never feel back busting a mf'er in their face, I would cry because of I was embarrassed for letting that side come out of me, for letting that person get under my skin, for being that violent being in the making of it to let that person know to leave me the hell alone. They took my quietness for weakness, and I had to let them know that they had the right one. You know the saying that goes "leave the quiet people alone, because if not their gonna show you why they like to keep things quiet" or something like that (I got that off a audio from tiktok so what) but I am the true definition of that. I don't like to be messed with because you think I won't do nothing in the process of you trying to embarrass me.

So yeah, I wish I knew how to defend myself when I was in any situation that required me to do so. I guess I was just too afraid because when I asked for help before the situation went left I would only be told "we're gonna get to the bottom of it" "we're gonna look into it" "come to me when there is a situation about to happen" NOTHING WAS EVER DONE. No situation was handled in a way where the teacher or principle kept it from escalating any further, when it would come to the point of me having to put my hands on the child, I was the one in trouble because I retaliated out of self defense and they look at me like "why didn't you tell us it was this bad" MUTHAFUCKA I DID, but you wanted to sit on your funky ass all day and not do your job.

I wish I knew.....But I know now

Dear Black Girl, I know the world is tough on you because it is on me too. It's ok to not be violent, we were never the violent ones like how they keep thinking we are. But keep fuckin around, you gon' find out. TRUST