Dear Black Girl, It's Gonna Be Ok

No, I'm Not A Boy

So in the last chapter, I talked little about how I was coming up into my teenage life about liking boys and having a problem with how I dressed. And in the middle of that, I spoke on how I always dressed boyish because of my body image and insecurities.

So I want to get into more of that. I am 22, and I still like to dress in a way where I feel comfortable no matter what the weather is or day. I feel like as a young black woman, I am stepping into a little bit of my feminine girly era, like I am wearing more of hoop/bangle earrings, doing my hair more, and doing the long girly nails. I like pink more and more, because before I hated pink, no I was not in the "pick me" girl era, I just thought that pink was too girly for me at the time of me trying to dress like a dude a 100% of the time and being a natural born tomboy, pink wasn't my style and at the time I wasn't trying to make it my style. But that part of my life is over now, so I am in love with the color pink and I am not turning back on that.

But as a plus size black woman, I know all my sistas is gonna feel me when I say, I can finally rest in my femininity. As black women, we deserve it. were dropping all the no shit ass niggas, and were focusing on ourselves, our businesses, and on our peace. We truly deserve it out of 10000%

Growing up the boyish girl, I've had my sexuality questioned back to back to front, side to side, up and down, and all around town. I remember a time at chucky cheese, I was rocking cornrows in my natural hair, I had on a navy blue sweatshirt with the words GAP in a light blue outline, some jeans and black air force 1's or something, all I know was that my shoes was black and I was walking around putting my coins in the machines that I wanted to play on, I had to be around 7 or 8 years old, I was playing around on this little machine, and out of nowhere I felt a presence by the power of 2, so I turned around and I see two other black girls looking at me, but in a way you would look at somebody and think "who the heel let you come out the house looking like that" kind of way. So me being the innocent little girl I was I waved at them, of course the one giving the dirtiest of the dirty look didn't wave, but the other one did. The one giving me the dirty look was wearing a pink short sleeved shirt with the flutters on the sleeves and a pair of white shorts with some sandals, and the sidekick was wearing a blue and white stripped shirt with some blue shorts, ( don't know what shoes she was wearing), so they finally stopped starring me like some weirdos like I was some sort of science experiment and come beside me, and this little boy beside me all up on me trying to push the buttons all in my space and me trying to push hum away from me and out of the damn way and his momma or his aunty coming in to separate us but telling me I can't be pushing people, but her snot nose slurping breath smelling like a infected big toe ass son was all up on my grill but we not gonna talk about that, the girl in the pink looks at me and goes "can I ask you something" and I go yeah not finding no harm in what she was about to say, this lil heifer says "are you a boy or a girl?" all while she's looking me up and down giving me a dirty look, so I say "I am a girl" all while staring back at her like 'do you not see that I am a girl' look and she keeps staring for a while then goes "oh" and walks away. I didn't hit me that she was judging me of I was a girl or a boy when clrearly I was a girl but not dressed too "girly" to her liking with her punk ass.

Then I hit middle school. The middle school I went to was almost like andrew jackson but not 100% just a bunch of niggas trying to be somebody that they wasn't and being corny all at once. But of course some of the girls that would be deemed as the "pretty girls" would literally come up to me while I was infront of my friends and ask me the question I would not stop hearing until I got to high school "are you gay?" when I tell y'all that question was non fuckin stop when I was in school from girls. The guys never questioned me and how I dressed or my sexuality. I've had boys that I was cool with and some I was friends with question me on why I never did cheerleading and simply I would say "because its not really my style. I like basketball a lot more than that" and they would just leave it alone from there. It was never the guys that would ask me if I was gay or not, it was other black girls that would be more girly, "popular", a little bit more skinny/slimmer than me, and would have the boys at their feet. It wasn't until my 2nd year of high school where I though that I was gay. I've made the mistake of allowing other's opinions and negative influence impact me into thinking I was gay. Yes, every girl has experience watching lesbian porn, and even going on youtube searching up "2 girls kissing" and I can honestly say that I was one of those girls also. And yeah, I still watch lesbian porn and I am as straight as a dried up spaghetti noodle. I am strictly dickly, and it will stay that way forever.

But now after all that inside bullying I was dealing with, now dudes love tomboys. And I won't doubt that guys love tomboys, they just didn't like the kind of tomboy I was. I mean I wasn't out here dressed like a stud or anything, we were all wearing uniforms with the navy and white polo shirts so there is no excuse allowed. But I always wore a Nike headband with my hair in faux locs up in a bun, and sweatshirts with a bomber jacket all the time because the weather was getting cold in the beginning. So I get it now how I was a little more boyish than regular in school, but that was no right for me to be alienated by the girls that was prettier and girlier than me because they played in makeup and liked to wear all the bangle jewelry and fill your sinuses up with bath and body works products. There is no problem in that because I am the same way just in my own special design. I don't have to show that I am better than because I can dress to impress with all of the glitz and glam stuff or think I'm prettier than the next girl because she dresses the way she does that makes her happy and feel comfortable. A man is not gonna choose you by the way that you dress, he don't care about all the shit that you have dangling on you. He cares about the type of person that you are. Your personality attracts him the most. And that's all that matters

And a FYI that I shouldn't be putting here because I hope you know, He likes it most when you smell good. Don't be out here smelling like cow ass. All that natural deodorant other shit is for the birds. Hop your ass in that shower and wash, then moisturize, and top it off with some perfume to make him think about you the whole day. Don't come out here in public smelling like donkey ass. Thank you for listening to my Ted talk :)

Dear Black Girl, if you want to dress girly and soft then do that, If you want to dress in urban street wear and have your own little swag to it do it, if your a tomboy and you like dressing that way because of your own confidence then do that shit. You are beautiful the way that you are and how you dress. That your own uniqueness