Dear Black Girl, It's Gonna Be Ok

I ain't never had that ever happen to me

So lets take a huge leap into what were about to get into, because were goin' to get into some things hehehe....

I am 22 years old, I know what your thinking right now reading this "okayyy...what does that have to do with this chapter?" well, I am 22 years old, and I am still a virgin. I have never been in a steady intimate relationship EVER with a boy in my years of living and being on this earth.

Now I am thankful for still being a virgin, and not having a history of poppin' it open like a cantaloupe out here in these streets. Dear black girl, its ok with still keeping your virginity all the way up into your 20s. I hear that some even go as far as to keeping it into their 30s. Now don't be out here trying to play up into the 40 year old virgin or something like that. Because...what the fuk?

Anyways, I feel touch deprived in a way, no I have never been touched in a way where a boy has put his hand in my pants and went to work on me, let me be all the way real with y'all, cause were all sistas right? Right, most of the boys that I was around, I was NEVER attracted to, I never looked at them in that light because one, it was weird and two, there was nothing that they had that I wanted. Most of the niggas that I was around just looked dirty... you know what I mean, like when I say that, they had their pants below the ass, they would go days, months, hell even a WHOLE YEAR without a haircut sometimes, AND most importantly (only in my opinion) them niggas was corny and a little funny lookin'.

Now I know what else your thinking "Bre don't say that" or going far enough like "well you don't look like a catch too much yourself so I wouldn't judge if I was you" and if you thought the first one: No, I will say that because I meant it and I am telling the absolute truth about them

But if you thought the second one: I can tell from here that your standards are low af, and you will pop your gaping fallopian tube to any nigga that will give you the attention that you're so DESPERATELY craving for you pick me ass bitch. Now go participate in something safe and log out for me.

But yeah, the dudes that I was around I never found such attraction to like I wanted, now I fi wasn't picked on so much by the boys I was around, then maybe I would have the courage to shoot my shot, but even now at 22 years old, I will admit, I am a scary ass bitch when it comes to talking to men. Growing up being attracted to guys was hard on my end because of how I didn't always dress as girly as I wanted to because of my weight and body shape, BBL culture was thrown at me and making me believe that guys love bodies like that. My legs aren't too thick for me to have a big ass, I mean I have a booty, and it looks plump like a peach on a good day, but my upper body as always been bigger than anything else on my body, so my body shape and weight was waaaaayyy out of the question box, but my looks. Oh yeah, that too, My face has always been round and chubby, it still is, but since I've graduated high school and started exercising a little bit more, the weight in my face has gone down some in a good way where I feel ok with showing it, so my face card is a check in my book but the rest of me I am only content with.

Most of the dudes that I would find myself attracted to in my own little secret world, would only like lightskin girls. The girls with the long non-kinky hair like mines and theirs touching their shoulders, the girls that wasn't too tall and was only like 4'10 or 5'0 or something like that, and the girls that didn't look like or dressed like a boy like me. I only "dressed" like a boy was because I didn't want the attention on my body and because it was comfortable for me to be ok with going out in public. I wasn't the typical pretty girly girl like how I wanted to be, but deep down I knew I was enough.

I can remember in my sophomore year of high school it was this boy that was in my science class last period, his name was Ziare (I hope I spelled it right) He was a brown skin boy, with s coiled loose curly hair, and was the type of nigga to sag his pants, even though I hate that about guys I let it slide with him because he was cute to me, my bestfriend Jordan knew him, but what she never knew was that I liked him lowkey. It was almost like I was willing to see pass the bullish just to like him a lot. He was always around me, he was touching on me (no he wasn't harassing me sexually) he wanted to hug me a lot sometimes, playfully hitting me, taking my things and hiding it from me, one time in class he was trading me notes with me you know, things that you would do if you liked somebody and stuff like that. And no lie, I was literally in my Debbie Ryan bag with this one, I was a young hormonal raging 16 year old in my 10th grade year and he was a Jr, at the time so I'm in my head like 'perfect timing bitches FUK YEAH DUDE' bUT then he said something that just popped my lil heart bubble

A girl was in my class that was playing around with him and I'm in my head like "if you don't get tf off my man bitch" he wasn't really my man but I was really taking that "my man my man my man" shi to heart before it even became a thing. But anyways, she laid on him and he pushed her off and said "nah get off my I only like lightskins" and then that's when my little bubble popped off in my head just like that. Knowing and being aware of my skintone, I have dealt with the thoughts of wishing that my skin was lighter and having lighter eyes, and long looser curly hair because being a girl that grew up in the 2010s when Wattpad popped out on the scene, and everybody was making fanfictions about their faves and the main character was a lightskinned girl with straight or loose curly hair. So yeah I had a little mental moment when he said what he said. And it let it get to me so bad, because I wanted him to like me so bad I looked up "how to lighten my skin" on google. I really let a bum nigga make me think that I was below average when I should have never paid no type of attention to him in the first place. Like damn Bre...

Dear Black Girl, Don't even let a bum nigga that you have a small crush on make you feel like your not above and beyond. You are BEAUTIFUL in your own unique way. Love will come. Praying it comes for me too like a 18 wheeler truck...