Maribat Oneshots - A little salt

44. Incorrect Quotes - Part 2

Tim: Are Peacocks technically birds? They don't have wings, they can't fly and like being close to people.
Bruce: Go to bed Tim!
Jason: Nononono, The mans got a point.
Bruce: Why are you here Jason? Go.To.Sleep. Preferably in your own home.
Damian: Tt, peacocks do have wings, idiot.
Dick: Oh My God, I'm a peacock, I don't have wings, wear colourful things and we are both named after penises.
Tim and Jason: Whoaaah
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Marinette: You look nice, I want to kiss you.
Jason: What?
Marinette: *panicking* I said if you died I wouldn't miss you!
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Bruce: *Comes home with Dick for the first time*
Bruce: You won't believe this
Alfred: Come now master Bruce you dress up as a bat and beat up an insane clown every other week. I doubt you could say anything surprising.
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Dick: *Staring at paint they collected as evidence from a crime scene*
Dick: I wonder how much paint I can drink before passing out.
Bruce: We're gonna go with none
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Dick: Do you think I could survive a ten story drop?
Bruce: *Slings him over his shoulders*
Bruce: Let's not test that theory
Dick: *Silence*
Dick: What about nine?
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(Damian at court)
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth and only the truth
Damian: No
Judge: *whispers* what do I do now?
Jury:
Jason: This is why the kid has my respect
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Tim: The human body is 70% water. So we are just cucumbers with anxiety.
Jason: EXcuSe Me, with the amount of salt and alcohol I consume I am more of an anxiety pickle.
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Kidnapper: We have your son
Bruce: Which one? I have ... (to someone on his end) what are we at 7? 8?
Kidnapper: the loud annoying one that never shuts up!
Bruce: Do you have any idea how little that narrows it down?
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Damian to Dick: Why does mother wear makeup?
Dick: To look pretty I guess
Damian: But she's already pretty
Dick: Awww
Damian to Bruce: Father, you should wear makeup!
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Dick and Damian sitting on a bench
Jason: Why do you guys look like you just ate lemons
Damian: Sit down and we'll tell you
Jason: *sits with them*
Dick: The bench is freshly painted.
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Dick: Can I be frank with you guys?
Wally: Sure, but I don't see how changing your name is gonna help.
Artemis: Can I still be Artemis?
Roy: Shhhhh. Let Frank speak.
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Dick: Did you just refer to a knife as a person opener?
Damian: Should I not have?
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Dick: Why is there blood on my carpet?
Jason: I might have poked someone aggressively with a knife.
Dick: You stabbed someone!!!
Jason: No I poked them, aggressively ... ... with a knife.
Dick:
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Damian: I got a package from mother
Bruce: What's in it?
Damian: It's heavy. Must be her disappointment in me.
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Dick: Jay, you were so drunk last night!
Jason: I was not
Dick: I had to bail you out of jail, because you went into a grocery store drunk and cut open all their pineapples screaming, "spongebob, I know you are in there."
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Tim: Frozen 2 comes out next month.
Jason: I swear if I hear Dick singing 'Let it Go' one more time, I'm gonna "Let it Go" on his grappling lines.
Bruce: Don't worry, they won't release any songs before the movie comes out.
Damian: Disney just released Brendon Urie singing 'Into the Unknown'
Bruce: Into the Wh-?
Dick: *Bursts into the room* Into the unknowwnn, into the unknoown, into the unknoooown!!!
Jason: *eyebrows twitching in irritatrion*
Dick: Ahhhh ahhhhh!
Jason: *pulls out a bazooka* Shut it Elsa !!!!
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*Tim walks in smiling*
Alfred: You sure look happy today Master Timothy
Tim: Do I need a reason to be happy?
Jason: Mini Bruce just fell down the stairs
*Damian from the other room*: I WAS PUSHED
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*Dick sitting on the chandelier*
Jason*loading his guns*: If you start singing I'll shoot you down
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*Jon calling Dick*
Jon: There are bad guys here, they want Damian
Dick: *trying not to panic* I'm on my way, is Connor there?
Jon: Connor went to get milk a few minutes ago
Dick: Okay, Don't panic. Do they have weapons?
Jon: The bad guys have guns but don't worry, Damian found a chainsaw.
*Inhuman laughter in the background, mixed with screams of horror.*
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Damian: Esto es tu culpa.
Dick: I know.
Tim: I didn't know you spoke Spanish Dick?
Dick: I don't, I know the phrase 'this is all your fault' in every language.
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Tim: I broke one of Damians knives, how long do you think I have to live?
Jason: Ten
Tim: Ten what?
Jason: Nine
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Bruce: I hope you have a good explanation for this!
Jason: Actually, we have three.
Dick: *Holds up three cards* Pick your favourite
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*Bruce sitting in his office*
Dick: Hey um Bruce. I...I need to tell you something.
Bruce: *Bruce a bit shaken* go on?
Dick: okay.... Well...you see.... need to ask you something and I want to be totally honest with me, it might be awkward with us after this but I have to know how you feel, I have kept this from you for a long while....and it's about time I was... straight.about this and.... and just confront you about it, I hope this doesn't ruin the relationship we already have, really Bruce I beg you please don't see me differently after this please. I just need to know, I need you to know... can't see any other way to get over this, it just doesn't seem fair on me if don't get an answer, I want you to tell me truthfully no matter what it is, I just want your honest opinion.......do you know the muffin man?
*Bruce throws his coffee mug at Dick"
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Tim: Hey I got a riddle for you!
Damian: I don't have time for your illiterate games Drake.
Tim: Yea, You're right, you won't be able to solve it anyways.
Damian: Fine what is it?
Tim: Repeat and Pete are sitting in a boat, Pete fell out. Who's left?
Damian: A child could solve this Drake. Repeat.
Tim: Repeat and Pete are sitting in a boat, Pete fell out. Who's left?
Damian: Are you going deaf? Repeat.
Tim: Repeat and Pete are sitting in a boat, Pete fell out. Who's left?
Damian: Drake, I will not repeat-
Tim: Repeat and Pete are sitting in a boat, Pete fell out. Who's left?
Damian: REPEAT!
Tim: Repeat and Pete are sitting in-
---Later---
Bruce: *Stitching Tim up*
Bruce: How did this happen?
Tim: All I asked was 'Repeat and Pete are-'
Damian: Don't get him going father.
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Damian: Hey Todd, Wanna see a picture I drew?
Jason: Why it's probably some art project from school. ......... Lemme see
Jason: *Looks at the picture* What is this?
Damian: It's me beating up Drake.
Jason: ..................
Jason: This one's going on the fridge.
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Bruce: Where's Nightwing? He never misses mission briefing!
Tim: Ohh, he's here. He just refused to get out of the car until the song was over.
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Stephanie: *GASP* Is it called Hannah Montana because she lives in Montana, Texas?
Jason: Don't be stupid, Montana isn't in Texas. It's in Ohio.
Damian: I don't know whether to laugh at your stupidity or cry.
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Flirting with Barbara
Dick: Are you a parking ticket? Cause' you've got fine written all over you.
Barbara: Oh. Did you say something? Sorry, I don't pay attention to people who have the IQ of a piece of toast.
Jason: *Hiding with an earpiece to Dick* Oooh, she got you good!
Flirting with Kori
Dick: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk in again?
Kori: If I remember correctly, you haven't moved from your seat for over two hours and I flew you here. So if you are downplaying my generous offer of walking to the cashier and getting us coffee or being ungrateful that I flew you here, then you better - how do they say it? yes,- 'slow your roll' that's the phrase.
Dick: .........
Jason:*through the earpiece* This one's smart too. Abort. ABORT.
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Reverse aged Batboys
Roy:*to Dick* Would you like to be my date for my cousin's wedding?
Dick: Roy, I don't know what to say.
Jason: *Over protective brother instincts*Aww, Let me help you. No.
Roy: *ignores Jason* Dick, if you went with me I might finally earn some respect from my family.
Jason: *Irritated* Let me tell you again in Spanish.
Jason: *Takes a deep breath* NO
Stephanie: *Pops her head in when passing by with a proud grin* I taught him that.
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Kori: How do you get Dick from Richard
Dick: *Distracted* You ask nicely
Kori: ...
Dick: *Realises what he said*
Dick: *blushes* I mean- ...what I-... Sorry- ...I didn't -
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Superboy to Wally: The human body has 7 trillion nerves and you manage to get on every single one of mine.
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Roy to Jason: Archery is just dabbing before killing someone.
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Wally: *explaining to the team why their fridge that had been restocked yesterday was in empty*
Wally: If we are not meant to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the fridge?
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Jason to Bruce: I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude that is your problem.
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Tim: *On facetime with Stephanie* Oh my god, where'd my phone go?
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Stephanie: I wanted to talk to you about
Bruce: Heaven help me.
Stephanie: Rude. Anyways, Cass and I want to go to Mexico for spring break.
Bruce: Neither of you got to school.
Stephanie: Irrelevant. If you pay for us to go-
Bruce: Why would I be paying?
Stephanie: I don't answer stupid questions.
Bruce: *Deep sigh*
Stephanie: If you pay for us to go, I won't let Tim start watching Gilmore Girls.
Bruce: ... ... Done.
Stephanie: See, I knew you'd be reasonable.
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JL going on an off world mission
Superman to Conner: Don't lose hope
Martian Manhunter to M'gann: I'll miss you.
Batman to Dick, Barbara and Tim: Touch the Batmobile, and you're fired.
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Wally: Dick, You're bleeding a lot, you're gonna need a transfusion. What's your blood type?
Dick: B Positive
Wally: I'm trying, but you're bleeding a lot.
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Jason: *Bailing Tim out of the police station*
Jason: Just how I wanted to spend my evening, bailing my brother out of jail.
Tim: You said I was a goody two shoes
Jason: Well, there's a line and it's just before the police station.
Tim: But it wasn't even my fault.
Jason: That's even worse, if I'm gonna bail you out again, it better be because you took some initiative.
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Bruce: *On patrol, suddenly hears a scream that goes "YEET"*
Bruce: *Sighs deeply while muttering and pulling out his trackers* Either Dick threw a batarang at a criminal or Jason threw one of his brothers off the roof of a building.
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Dick: I didn't have much money after college.
Bruce: Why's that?
Dick: The strip club I worked at closed down.
Bruce: As a bartender?
Dick: *blushing* Yeesss.
Bruce: *Roars* You were a stripper!!!!!
Dick: Heyy, College is expensive and I have a great body.
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Wally: I'm in the mood for a quickie.
Dick: *Chokes on his own saliva and pulls away from Wally who had his arms wrapped around Dick's shoulders*What!
Wally: You know, a quickie, those tart things?
Dick: Quiche, Wally, It's pronounced Quiche.
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Tim: Sometime's Dick can be a straight up idiot.
Jason: *Chokes*
Tim: What?
Jason: Nothing, I just never thought I'd hear the words 'Dick' and Straight; in the same sentence without a 'not' or 'no'.
Dick: Heyyy!
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Dick: So, what do you think?
Damian: I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Drake.
Dick: He's not even here!
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Dick: Are you okay? That's a lot of blood.
Damian: I'm good. It's not even my blood.
Dick: And that's supposed to be good?
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Bruce: I raised seven perfectly functional children.
Jason: You have seven kids I don't know about?
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(2001 words)
- Toodles

BTW - None of these are mine. I repeat, they do not belong to me. I found them on the internet.