finding permanence

30: Max

The stream of sunlight coming in through the window instantly sends an ache through my entire body as I open my eyes.

The bed feels familiar, but it's not mine. I immediately recognize Sam's room when I find the strength to squint my eyes open again.

Patting the space next to me, I frown when I can't find her. On the bedside table there is Advil and water. She's so sweet.

The last thing I remember from last night is Serena acting like a bitch. After our run in, I ordered an Uber to Sam's apartment. There's flashes of me vomiting and Sam helping me, but everything else is a complete blur.

Very slowly, I move to go find Sam and apologize for bombarding her last night.

There's a soft glow radiating off her body. She's wearing an oversized shirt and boxers and she sits at the dining room table staring blankly at the bottom of her mug.

I talk lightly trying not to scare her as she is clearly lost in her own thoughts, "Good morning."

Her head jolts in my direction, "There's a breakfast burrito on the stove for you. My mom always said that greasy foods are the best cure for a hangover."

Grabbing the burrito, I join her at the table, "I don't really remember last night, but I'm sorry for coming here so late." I rub the back of my neck.

"It's fine. You know I'm always here when you need me." I know when she's upset. No matter how much she tries to hide it, I'll always know when she's not telling the full truth.

"Can you fill me in on what happened last night?"

"You got drunk." She is purposefully avoiding eye contact.

"Obviously. What else?"

"You puked on my carpet. It was not fun to clean, by the way." Her eyes finally find mine. Not for long though. "And after throwing everything up, I put you to bed to sleep it off."

"That's all," I question.

"Yep." One wrinkle between her eyebrows and I know she's lying.

"What else happened Sam?"

Her cheeks tint red, knowing she's been caught. "You said you talked to Serena."

"I remember that much. What else?"

"You said you didn't think anyone would ever love you." Her voice is soft.

I nod my head. Sounds like something I would say in a drunken state considering it's all I can think about. "Anything else?"

"You said I'm always angry and even though my mom left me, I have no right to be so mean."

My body tenses and I internally beat the shit out of myself. "Sammy, I-"

"I'm going to say what I need to say and then you can talk." I nod at her to continue. "You made me feel like shit last night." Her eyes are glassy when we finally keep eye contact. "And not just when you came over at 2 am this morning. Before, at the bowling alley. You left early without even bothering to say goodbye. I can't be your friend if that's the way you treat me."

"It won't happen again. You had nothing to do with my game performance and it wasn't fair for me to take it out on you. If I had just come to you in the first place, I could've avoided it, but I'm an idiot. In that moment I just wanted to be wasted; try to forget about everything." She shakes her head in agreement.

"If this happens again, I'm not going to be so relaxed about it. Because I can guarantee you that I will make sure it doesn't happen a third time."

"I don't expect you to. And you won't have to worry about that happening. I am sorry Sammy." I approach her slowly.

My shoulders slump with relief when she opens her arms for me to hug her. "I'm such an asshole."

"Just sometimes. But I'm also an asshole sometimes." She matches my hushed voice.

"No you're not. You're the sweetest person I've ever known and everything I said last night was total bullshit."

"Drunk words are sober thoughts." The timidness in her voice has me pulling back to grip on her shoulders.

"Sam Drawings, the things I said last night are not reflective of you at all. That was my stupid, drunk self trying to bring down your mood to my level. I don't even remember what I said. "

She doesn't look convinced, "Sam you set out water and Advil for me, cleaned up my puke, let me sleep in your bed, and made breakfast for me even though I was treating you like shit. You're a fucking angel sent to earth."

"That's just because I care about you." Her words wrap around my body, filling me with warmth.

"No." I shake my head. "You would have done that for anyone. You're the best person I know." My eyes feel watery. "Fuck Sam. I don't know why I said what I did. I feel like the biggest dick in the world." Breaking eye contact, I look down.

"Well." I look up to see her shrug. "You've got one more chance. As long as you don't mess that up, you'll be fine." She wraps her arms around my torso and pulls me in for another hug. "Looks like there's lots of mint n' chip ice cream in your future. You know, for bribing." I set lips to the top of her head, letting out a relived laugh.

"What are your plans for the rest of the day?" I ask.

Looking at the kitchen clock, I realize it's already past noon.

"I have to go dress shopping for the banquet." She releases her hold on me, but I keep my hands set on her shoulders, slowly kneading the tension that's there.

"Can I go with? I can give you a second opinion." Plus I figure I can start the bribing as soon as possible.

"That would be great actually. I was going to have Del come with me but she's busy all day."

"How have you been doing since the two of them got together?"

I know on my end it feels like my friendship with Scott is slowly becoming less important to him.

"Rydell deserves Scott. I can tell that he makes her happy and is helping her get through things that I can't," she pauses. "But I do miss her. We don't spend as much time together. I know it's natural and nothing against me."

"I feel the same way with Scott." One of my hands moves to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "But at least we have each other so we're not so lonely. Even though I'm an asshole and almost messed that up."

"As long as it doesn't happen again, you have nothing to worry about."

"I'm lucky to have you Grumps." I bring out the nickname because as much as she claims to hate it, her face always lights up when I say it.

"I'm lucky to have you too Max."

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