finding permanence

45: Sam

"I need something for a New Year's Eve party." Anna and I are searching the racks of clothes at the thrift shop.

It was next door to the burger place we had lunch at. If there's one thing good about spending time with Anna, it's the free food. Getting to know her is nice too, I guess.

She's surprisingly funny. At first I'd try my hardest not to laugh at her jokes, I forced myself to not even crack a smile. But her humor brings lightness to our conversations and things with her don't feel as heavy anymore.

With every passing moment, I find myself trusting her more and more.

Anna holds up a black dress, that sparkles when she moves it in the light. "Cute," I say, sticking my hand out to feel the stretchy material. I grab it from her and put it under my arm, continuing my search.

"Is Max going to the party?"

When Anna asked about boys in my life, I briefly mentioned Max. I didn't tell her anything about our relationship, just that I was somewhat smitten with him.

"It's at his house," I say. As I turn a chunk of clothes, I spot a child in the middle of the circular clothes rack.

"Boo!" I look around the store, and sure enough, there's a mother frantically looking for a little girl named Jo. When she makes eye contact with me, I wave her over, pointing to the rack.

"Josephine Bailley, what have I told you about hiding in the clothes?" She snags her daughter's wrist and thanks me, scolding Josephine as they walk towards the toy section.

"You used to do that all the time. It about gave me a heart attack when I couldn't find you," Anna says.

"I did?"

"Yeah. You loved going around scaring people. One time during Halloween, I took you to the thrift shops to find a costume. You grabbed some creepy clown mask and jumped out at people from behind the clothes. I could always find you by the screams of shoppers."

"I used to hate trick or treating, so I'd stay home with my parents and pass out candy instead," I recall. "My mom always likes to remind me that I'd dress up in the creepiest costume I could find in my size and hide in the bushes to jump out at the other kids." Anna laughs. "Most of the time I'd scare so many away that we'd still have a bowl full of candy by the end of the night."

"Looks like some habits never died," she says. "Look, I was thinking, if you want, maybe you could meet Mike. I'd also love to meet your parents if you'd let me, I want to thank them."

"They want to meet you too." I've kept my parents in the loop with Anna the moment she started stalking me. They've never pushed me into an introduction because they understood my hesitance with her. With those two worlds colliding, I'd be letting Anna in my life completely.

There's a part of me that feels guilty whenever I spend time with my birth mom. The more I let her in, the more I wonder if I'm betraying my parents. All that they've done for me and here I am letting in the person who they saved me from.

While I'm scared of letting Anna in just for her to leave again, I'm more scared of my parents thinking I'm replacing them.

"I'll meet Mike, I just need more time before I let you meet my parent's."

"Do they know that we've been talking?"

"Of course they do, I tell them everything. I have to make sure your worthy of meeting them."