Hidden Secrets // H.S

Chapter 7

Avalon Faulkner

One year.

That's how long it's been since I left New York. It's been one year since I was last Jane Matthews. One year, since I last saw Harry. One year since I got on that plane and landed in Washington. One entire year.

My life has changed so much in one year.

I've become a part-time editor at the publishing company I started to work at a few months ago. I got the job thanks to Cameron, Amaya's now husband. They eloped and I was their witness last month.

I've become an aunt for the second time. Amaya and Cameron had a baby boy in September.

Allie visited last December for winter break and we hope to see her again this upcoming winter again.

Have I started dating again? Not quite. Nothing has lasted past a month. Then I realized I was the problem because I was always the one to end things. It all leads back to him.

I kept comparing each guy to him. They wouldn't look at me the way he used to or they wouldn't listen to me the way he used to or they simply wouldn't kiss me the way he used to. I wouldn't feel the same sparks in my blood. I wouldn't feel butterflies in my stomach. I wouldn't feel chills down my spine.

There was one who made it past the one-month mark. His name was Carter. We made it to five months. Except this time he ended things between us.

The small heartbreak I felt over him distracted me from thinking about Harry.

He doesn't cross my mind as much. Once a month maybe?

Surely I've slipped his mind too.

I only hear updates about him through Zayn. They're very good friends now. I talk to Zayn once a month now.  It started to get weird after a while though. Jade wasn't very sure of our calls and I respected her wishes.

My life in New York is something I rarely think about anymore.

Moving to Seattle was the best thing to happen to me.

I live close to Amaya and my niece and nephew. I took a few therapy sessions that helped me. I got put on some anxiety medications again. I somehow accepted everything that happened to me in New York.

A lot of time with myself gave me unwanted time with my thoughts.

I accepted that Harry was only meant to be a temporary stage of my life. He made me believe life was somehow worth living. He made me feel a happiness I hadn't felt in years. He made me believe in love again.

Zayn was put in my life to show me true friendship. He showed me loyalty. Zayn helped me trust living with a man and knowing I wouldn't get hurt.

Running out on my wedding day showed me how strong I am. Badass sounds too corny.

Fear was my biggest motivation during the past year of my life.

Fear motivated me to run away from Christopher. It motivated me to fly to New York and restart my life. It motivated me to fall in love. It motivated me to stay alive during that awful time in captivity.

Being alone with my thoughts turned me into some motivational speaker.

It's almost hard to believe that I ever was a bodyguard. I think I've forgotten every self-defense move I learned and how to use a gun. I was a completely difficult person last year.

Do I miss the badass feeling of using a gun and beating the bad guys? Mainly just for the adrenaline.

I don't miss the slick-back ponytails I'd always wear. I wear my hair down for the most part, occasionally tying it back. I started embracing my curly hair more.

I stopped looking at Harry as someone who I felt heartbreak for. I don't feel any jealousy about things he does anymore. I don't care about what girl he's sleeping with now. I don't care if he's on a magazine cover. I don't care what he has to say in an interview about his life.

When I see his face in headlines or simply think about him, I feel proud. I feel proud that he moved on with his life the way I wanted him to. According to Zayn, he reconciled his relationship with his mother drastically. They see each other a lot more now.

Zayn says he's sober, although I never saw him as an alcoholic.

I've seen a few of his interviews online. He always changes the topic of Rebecca and what she caused him. Instead, he changes it and talks about second chances at life and moving on from hard periods of his life.

He's talked about the girl he loved most and how she walked out of his life. If I have to give exact quotes, it goes "I had the love of my life walk out of it in a matter of minutes. I was convinced I was going to marry her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But she left for her own good and I was selfish enough to not see it. It was one of the worst heartbreaks I've ever felt. I don't know where she is now or if she's even alive."

"What would you do if you ever saw her again even if it was just for a minute?"

"I'd tell her I love her- - and I forgive her."

I remember slamming my laptop shut and immediately calling Zayn. I hadn't felt such anger in so long. I was furious.

"What the fuck does he mean that he forgives me? What the actual fuck? Forgive me? Is he fucking serious?" I cursed into the phone, heavily breathing.

"Avalon-" Zayn calmly starts.

"Forgive me? Forgive me for what? I left for my own good. What the fuck does he mean forgive me?" I angrily ask.

"You still technically ghosted him." Zayn sucks on his teeth.

"Oh, so you too? You guys think of me as some bad guy?"

"No. It's just-"

"Nice talking to you, Zayn."

I hung up that call furiously. After calming down I did in fact realize I was the bad guy. It took me one year to ever realize it.