The Grumpy Sunshine Series

Forever Winter

Originally Posted: 02/20/2022

Bucky wakes up in a cold sweat, gasping for air that just keeps escaping him. He looks to your side of the bed, feeling particularly empty that you're not there tonight. He knew that, of course. You'd been on an extended mission for just over 4 days. It wasn't a lot of time, but each night he found himself spiraling further and further into that depressingly familiar abyss.

He tried to think about your numerous reassurances. The numerous times you'd talked him down from this dark, at times unreachable state.

"You don't understand, there's so much blood on my hands. Eventually you're going to see, and you'll leave. Because deep down I'm a monster."

You fake a gasp, reaching out to grab Bucky's hand. You harshly turn his hand over, animatedly examining each side of it. '"I don't see any blood. Definitely not a monster's hand. Just a hand. A human hand. One that's held mine many times."

He harshly sighs, but doesn't pull away his hand. "I'm being serious."

"Me too!" you exclaim, tracing the lines on his palm. "No blood, just a hand."

"One day you're going to realize that you could do so much better than me."

"And one day you're going to realize that you're stuck with me because I love you. Always."

"Always is a long time."

You gently press a kiss to the center of his palm. "Promises, promises."

But tonight, you weren't there to reel him back in. Even though he knew it was borderline co-dependency, even though he'd never admit to anyone else that he needed you on nights like tonight, he did. He so badly did.

Nights were the darkness seemed just a little darker. Nights when his traitorous brain convinced him that you were going to leave him. That it was imminent.

Any day now, you'd grow tired of his innumerable issues. You were bound to get sick of it. Waking up to him sweating and shaking because he remembered something or because he had a nightmare. Holding him as he was spiraling. Constantly talking him off that ledge. Wiping away his tears and soothing away the hurt. His problems taking a toll on you, it had to be taxing.

He's pacing through your shared apartment at the compound when his phone rings. He jolts at the unexpected call. It's almost 3 in the morning, and you're calling him. His brain sends him into a tailspin of dread about what's awaiting him on the other end of the call. With one final breath, he flips open his phone.

"Doll?" he roughly exhaled. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine- I was actually going to ask you the same thing," you admit.

"What? I'm fine, I'm here in our room," he says, his voice raspy from exhaustion and his mental breakdown.

"But you're not asleep? It's late over there."

He remains silent, not wanting to burden you with his endless load of issues while you were on issue.

"Hi, Bucky!" he heard in the background.

"Sam says hi," you chuckled. "That he misses you a lot."

"I didn't say that," Bucky heard Sam call.

"James says he misses you too," you reply.

"I didn't say that," Bucky rasps.

"Hold on, let me find a spot where I can talk," you murmur, walking toward the back of the jet away from Sam and Steve.