I'll always be

Chapter 5 - Bad in the good

SUMMER HAYES

Same day
"Goodnight" I say with a soft smile. She repeats my words and I walk out the door closing it softly behind me.

I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding in.

"Fuck" I say under my breath.

I don't even know what just happened. Yea of course I like her but it's a different kinda of like. It's like I just wanna hold her and make her feel like everything is okay, instead of the immediate infatuation I usually feel. It's like the attraction is there but it's soft and makes me feel fuzzy. Ok maybe a lil infatuation.

Even so I don't think I'd take it there with her because she's obviously still hung up on her ex and her heart is freshly broken. I wouldn't feel right trying to squeeze my way into her heart while she's still tryna sew it back up. Ion think that would help either of us; especially her. And for some reason the thought of hurting her or seeing her hurt makes me uneasy. That's what drew me to her earlier, I just couldn't stand see her all hurt and alone.

If I'm being honest I don't know what made me offer to let her stay in my home. Maybe it was the hospitality my mama instilled within me as I was growing up, hell even she wouldn't stand fa letting a literal stranger in her house. I sigh as I realize how stressful these newborn feelings are. It's scary not having control of shit. For me at least. Especially my feelings, especially my heart. I can't bear to get lost in someone who is so ready to lose to me; again.

In my last serious relationship I fell in love with this beautiful women inside and out really. But she couldn't let go of her past. She'd lost so much she was prepared to lose me too. I always told her I'd never leave unless she forced me too. She ended up building so many walls that she locked me out. After I'd get over one wall I'd run right into another. It was hell, slowly straining the life out of me, even so I still got accused of cheating, lying, and not loving her.

I gave my all until she left me with nothing left to give.

Us deciding to go our separate ways was the hardest but best thing we could do. And so we did, and haven't spoken since. We both had growing to do, it's been 5 years now.

I've become better and I'm hoping she has too. I haven't been in a serious relationship since. It wasn't that I wasn't open to relationships, no. It was just I haven't met anyone who re-inited that internal flame. That is until now...shit, fuck a flame she got me harboring forest fires. Rapidly cruising throughout my body from head to toe. These flames not stopping or slowing fa nobody. They say,
"Fuck if you ready,
Fuck if you want to,
This how you feel.
What you gon do?"

I wish I knew.

(AN: I wish i knew I wish I knew you wanted me I wish I knew...I bite my tongue it's a bad habit)
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Friday, Oct 31

I wake up to the sunrise slipping into my room, got me rubbing my eyes n shit. Damn I really needa curse less. I can't help it's just apart of my vocabulary at this point. But I'm I too old for all that? I mean Im 27 yrs old and to be fair all the adults around me when I was little cursed. Then again maybe they not the best examples to follow. Especially my grandma, she used to use curse words as terms of endearment.