Things I Don't Talk About

How it Started

I don't know how to start, but I can't keep it to myself for much longer. The reason? Well because it is causing me to not be able to focus on studies, not being able to sleep, I can't even go out and enjoy it anymore.

So something about myself :
I have a bad case of social anxiety, I can't even look at another person in public without having a mask on, I have the lockdown to thank for that. Even now, after the Covid situation is more under control and people don't wear a mask, i can't leave my home without one.
I am emotionally very weak, and it's nothing I am proud of. If you say something rude or anything remotely hurting, It will ruin my day, possibly the day after that too,
I can't handle being average, but i am. Average in studies, looks, literally anything you can think of, I am probably not good at it -average at best. I don't stand out anywhere, and that is something i am grateful for, but being so invisible is something that is really depressing for me.
Another thing is that I am messed up. The things that go on in my mind are sickening, you'll see.

So this happened a couple years ago, I think that my life was going just fine before this. I used to go to this tutor's house who taught Math and Science. I wasn't alone, a group of 20 students used to take tuition from her. And among those students was a girl I really started to like. I can't find words to describe how beautiful she looked. The first time I saw her, I was staying for an extra session and she rang the door bell and I answered. She was there for her first class. I just sat there and couldn't believe my eyes, she looked gorgeous. From that day on, in every class, I covertly observed her, sounds like a creep, doesn't it. But i promise, i had no ill intention, i just wanted to look at her.

After sometime, I caught myself thinking about her all the time. In school, at home, during the tuition class, while hanging out with my friends; every moment of the day, i just couldn't stop thinking about her. I didn't tell anyone about this because i was just a teen at that time and didn't want to be judged because i had a crush.

I think this moment of my life is the reason I have become someone I hate today. After sometime, this crush of mine just got more intense and i couldn't stop it. I would spend hours sitting in a corner of my house thinking about her, remembering how she looked when she asked a question, that one time i saw her laugh, etc. It started to interfere with my daily functioning . I couldn't study properly, I couldn't sleep, I woke tired and my school life also got affected.

I hated this fact but it was still not the worst thing that happened to me, i thought that this would just go away with time, but it didn't.

Fast-forward to the days before my final exams of 10th grade, I was panicking, I hadn't studied anything in the online classes, and the fact that the exams were going to be in offline mode, didn't do any good either. I was scared that i would fail and be held back. But there was something i was scared of more - the tuition classes were for the students up until 10th grade only, meaning I won't be able to see her anymore. During my preparation for the final exams, i was more scared of this fact than my studies.

Somehow I got her number from the tuition group on WhatsApp and saved it on my phone. Thought i would text her but didn't actually know what to say. I couldn't just text her out of the blue like a total creep. But i did exactly that and what's worse I even told her I liked her; I still feel guilty that I did that to her. I was pretty sure she didn't even know who I was, and I am also pretty sure I gave her the creeps because she didn't reply me for a month after seeing those messages.

When she did, she told me that it's perfectly okay that I feel this way and that she is not mad (I asked her). That was a huge relief but then she stopped replying.

One whole year passed, and I couldn't let go this crush of mine. It's almost the end of 11th grade, and like a fool i have waited for the reply. You may think that I am a simp, which is probably true, but i was only simping on her, which is wrong in so many other ways. I was clearly obsessed, so i texted her back. This was the worst thing i could have done. She replied, she didn't remember me, I reminded her, and then she replied saying ," I am not into these things, I thought i told you". I was ashamed of myself, I apologized for it and then she replied," I don't mind being friends."

I couldn't text her back after this.
I'll write another story if anything happens after this but j don't think anything will

The rest of the stories I will write are going to be from the time covid hit to up until this moment.