Things I Don't Talk About

Dreams and Wishes

I don't mean to be Mr. Obvious but we all have some hopes and dreams, some have a few and some of us have a few more. I am the kind that has many. And they don't remain the same for much time.

When I was just a naive kid in 1st grade, I developed interest in science and wanted to become a scientist, the kind who are referred to in the "Scientists believe" articles.

But now I have realised that even getting a fulfilling and decent job would be a boon at this point.

We all have an image about what our future will look like, what kind of house we will live in, a vivid image of our family, and maybe the cars or bikes we will own. But these are just our imaginations. Only a few lucky ones get the things they have dreamt about. Either through hardwork or luck, the things appear more or less to others.

I for one am the jealous type, I can't accept the fact that this is the reality, but it's not like I am doing anything to deserve it.

When I started to realise the actuality of how things work, I started to come up with many hilarious/extreme (depending on how you look at it) wishes/dreams. I just wanted to press the restart button at this point. I had realised that no matter what I do moving forward, wasn't going to fix anything for me.

The first one was me going to an eternal sleep, just living in my dream world, and having every thing I could have ever wanted. It was perfect for me, not caring about anything, just asleep in my own world.

Then I thought that this would be very hard for my family, so I scratched it.
This was about the time I got really invested in different types of anime.
There is this Isekai category; i don't know how many if you will know, but it's a genre of anime where the main character is transferred to or reincarnated into a fantasy world. I thought that this should be reality.

I remember crying to bed blaming gmGod for not making our world like that, a fantastical world where atleast everything is beautiful and almost everybody gets something. I would have literally done anything to get a chance like this at that time. I now think that that was me trying to give up, on everything.

I soon gave uo on this little idea.

Niw we come to my most recent wish, and this one makes perfect sense, I wishes I was dead, and forgotten by everybody. Any evidence of me existing- erased. Nobody remembers me, my conscience is clear and I don't have any expectations to bear. I would just be gone. I think then my parents would only have one child to worry about, don't remember having a second and just live a fulfilled life without feeling disappointed. These hypothetical circumstances just keep getting better and better as I grow.

Ad for the vanilla kind of hopes I had, they will sound refreshing after reading all of the things before.
I had dreamt of leaving this country for a much more beautiful scenic country, i would have a high paying job, a beautiful family, and. I would be rich enough to but my parents a farmhouse. But now I think that I will be a burden to them forever, and I am not exaggerating.

Another dream was for a big house in a very cold place, and this time with a successful business that I built on my own. My house would be in a place prone to blizzards, and whenever I would open the door, there would be snow everywhere and dark skies stretching towards the horizon. I would live there either with my family or alone, I don't know what I would prefer.
If my family was with me, It would have been warm to live there even with the cold.
If I was without family, my parents would still be here with a big house and I would be living like a lonely, miserable man.

Either way, I think towns near the North Pole are beautiful and would be quite expensive for an outsider.

I had an actual dream about dying buried under the snow, under the cold, it was way too vivid. I remember being able to feel my heart slowing down little by little, until I didn't feel anything.

Another dream was about me having a highschool sweetheart, but don't we all.

So, I wish you can understand what I was feeling like and can relate, even just a little bit.