Things I Don't Talk About

How Things Are Now

So, to be honest, I don't know if you all will understand what I want to say. I don't blame anyone but myself for the situation I am in, but there is a part of me who just wants to forget everything and just start over. I think many of us feel that way at some point. But as I'm writing this, I wish I didn't feel this way.

The answer i got from her in the text, broke my self esteem, it has gotten to a point where i can't believe in myself no matter how hard I work: whether it's my exams, or just the ability to speak with others, especially girls. I have become the typical nerd guy who nobody cares about. But, that's not entirely true, I guess.

I am not an attractive guy. No girl would even give me a second look; they have better options. I don't like the way I look, I don't take any pics of mine. I delete most of the family photos that include me. The fact that I see myself in the mirror everyday is enough for me, i can't look at myself without feeling disgusted.

Maybe it's the fact that I don't have many friends or exposure or it's just how my mind works but whenever I see a girl in public or anywhere for that matter, I get very anxious and do my best to not look in their direction at all. The thought of being judged just after one look is terrifying to me, i would rather not look at them, hide my face or just get out of that setting altogether. I avoid situations like this as much as I can. That is why I am not active on social media.

I do have one female friend whom i have known for many years now. She is very smart and pretty but I have always restrained myself around her. I like being just friends with her. She listens to me without judging me. I thought that was something i didn't want to lose at any cost. After lockdown due to Covid, i have not seen her for the past 3 years. We chat sometimes but i have done everything in my power to not see her photos or posts.

I don't want to look at her pics because then i won't be able to stop overthinking and start to imagine that she might be interested in me or maybe there is a chance or something. I have asked her not to send me any pics either, she was mad and wanted to know why, but i obviously couldn't tell her that I'm a total creep, so I told her not to ask me the reason and that it was a request. She is a nice girl, and i can't stress this enough, but i can't do that to someone I care about. I appreciate her listening to me rambling and letting me vent when I can't handle it. Some of you will probably think that I am such a dick to think that and that i don't deserve such a good friend; and let me tell you, you are absolutely right. That is what i think. But she is the only real friend i have.

But that is not something i believe in with absolute certainty. She obviously has her own friend group. A big one at that. She hangs out with them, they have fun together and I don't know why but that makes me jealous. She has this bestie who she talks about, like how cool she is and stuff. I wish that i had the ability to make friends like her.

I can't really make friends, There are many reasons but I think I am the only one to blame. I have a bad temper, I get irritated easily. If I consider you my friend, I expect that I atleast get a reply to my texts within 24 hours. When that doesn't happen I kinda freak out and say things that probably shouldn't have been spoken. I have lost many old friends because of this habit.

So, the conclusion is that I have turned out to be a socially awkward guy, with no friends, who is not at all attractive, has no sense of humor or friendship for that matter.
I think it's just a matter of time before I wind up alone