It's you // Minsung [Eng]

4 - My first love

[TW: Violence, toxic relationship.]

Han woke up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat and tears. He was trembling and sobbing silently.

That nightmare was there, again.

He grabbed the mirror he kept on his bedside table and checked his face. There were no bruises, there were no cuts. 

"You are safe, Han" he kept repeating to himself, looking at his shocked reflection,"You are safe."

It wasn't just a nightmare and he knew it well. It was a mix of memories that he hoped he could erase from his head.

He brushed the wisp off his forehead and there it was. That little scar was all that was left of Eun, his ex-boyfriend.

He was 17 when he discovered that not all relationships are happy and filled with love. He had discovered how it was like to be in a toxic and abusive relationship. A relationship where you not only have a bruised face, but also a broken heart and people's judgment on your shoulders.

He had lied for weeks, to himself and to others. He apparently fell down the stairs often or frequently hit a corner. He had also learned to use some makeup products to cover bruises, to cover the signs of his relationship.

He was looking for justifications how "I made him jealous", "I disappointed him", because it was easier than admitting that he had chosen a violent partner. That he loved a violent person.

In that time he thought that, maybe, he deserved to be treated like this. It took him a long time to understand that he was not to blame and that no one on Earth could ever deserve violence. But despite it all, he still hated looking in the mirror. It was as if his face was responsible for everything he had endured.

Han tried to steady his breathing, to hide Eun's memories, to erase the images of his own bruised face. And, despite everything, there was only one way he could do it.

Thinking of Seojun.

Seojun had been there. He had always be the only one to remain by his side.

«You are not to blame, Han» he had said once, looking him intently in the eyes, «He is the shit here. You are just the victim. Do you got me?»

Han was able to get away from Eun, despite the fear, despite the threat, with the help of Seojun and an anti-violence center. And gradually he realized that he had always been in love with his best friend.

A psychologist would have said that Han had low self-esteem and had chosen Eun because he was what he thought he deserved. Seojun was too much for him and, in any case, he didn't want to lose him. So he had silenced those feelings for as long as he could.

They were best friends, they had always been. They had known each other since Han was bullied at school. He was ugly, they said, he wore glasses and dressed like a loser. So he was targeted.

And Seojun was there for him, to protect him and remind him that he was handsome instead. But he was the only one who thought that, not even Han himself believed it.

How could Han not fall for that perfect boy? Seojun had always been his savior, his sidekick, he had been his first everything.

He had been his first kiss, to begin. They were 13 years old when they had decided to practice kissing, to become excellent kissers for girls, when they still didn't know their sexual orientation.

Then he had been his first crush. When Han finally got to be attracted to boys, the first was Seojun.

He had been his first real love, when he had finally understood what love really meant, moving away from Eun.