It's you // Minsung [Eng]

22 - I'll try

Haru was worried. It had already been ten days and Jisung had never left his room. It wasn't the first time, certainly, but things really seemed to be going better for him this time. She had truly allowed herself the luxury of hoping.

Dinner was in the oven and would have been ready in fifteen minutes, so she took off her apron and went up to the second floor to knock on Jisung's door. 

As expected, no one answered.

Haru had learned over the years to respect her son's space, not to let apprehension push her to invade his privacy, but this time she couldn't stop herself. She needed to see him, to see how he was doing. So she entered the room and saw his little angel sleeping, curled up in a ball.

She sighed and lay down next to him, hugging his baby and remained in that position losing track of time and forgetting about dinner in the oven, which luckily had an automatic switch-off. 

Her thoughts were racing through her mind, while she was looking at the details of that room. There were some photos of Jisung as a child, music posters on the walls, the guitar seemed abandoned in a corner...

A tear ran down her face as she thought of how much her son had suffered and how much she had suffered for him too. 

No one deserved a life like that, but Jisung least of all. He was a wonderful, sensitive and creative boy. He deserved to be appreciated, loved, he deserved to be happy. And instead he had lived the years of youth, that are typically full of carefreeness, wrapped in the grip of depression.

She didn't know everything that had happened to him, Han had never told her in detail about Eun, but she had guessed and had mentally punished herself for years for not realizing it. For not helping his son when he needed it the most. And she hasn't forgiven herself yet.

Her eyes were full of tears as she stroked his son's soft hair, holding him close.

«Mom?» the boy looked up at her, rubbing his eyes.

«Hey, honey...» Haru quickly wiped her face, then crossed those hazel eyes and hinted at a sweet smile, «Will you eat with me tonight?»

Han seemed to think about it for a moment. Seeing his mother cry always broke him. He knew that she unfairly took responsibility for everything, for everything that had happened to him and even for his father's death. And he would have liked to be stronger to support her, so as not to give her any more trouble. But he couldn't. 

He shook his head with a sigh. Not yet. He wasn't ready to leave his lair yet.

Haru nodded in understanding.

«Do you want to talk?» she asked again. She already imagined what response she would receive, but she had to try.

Han shook his head again and his mom pulled him into a hug, which the boy barely returned.

«You know I love you, right?» she whispered, feeling particularly emotional that evening.

«Yeah, I know, mom.» he replied, «And I love you too.» he added, with a soft voice, finally returning the hug. And it was warm, it was reassuring.

She pulled away from him after a few moments and took his hands: «I have to ask you something, but please don't get angry»

Han nodded, listening, letting her draw figures with her thumbs on the back of his hand.

«I finally have the money» she started with a soft smile, thinking that wasn't the whole truth, «I can pay for psychotherapy for you. What do you think, love?»

Han removed his hands from hers, «I don't want to, mom» he replied almost immediately. He lay on his back staring at the ceiling, «I don't want to go out, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do anything. Happiness is not made for me» he explained, in a flat tone.