It's you // Minsung [Eng]

23 - Weak

So Han started going to a therapist, but it didn't go as hoped.

The first meetings were a disaster.

Han sat in that uncomfortable chair and couldn't open up. He didn't understand why he was there and, above all, he felt judged. He didn't trust that therapist, a man in his sixties with an austere look, which reminded him of his father's.

During the second meeting he tried to tell him about Eun, but the psychiatrist looked at him strangely.

«A boy getting beaten up?» the man asked him, with an incredulous look.

Han didn't know what to say and simply nodded. His palms were sweaty, his knees bounced restlessly.

«And why didn't you react?» 

Han gulped, feeling anxious: «I don't know, I thought he loved me...» 

«Oh...» the therapist cut him off, «You are gay, I see.» he nodded and wrote something in the notebook, on his face the expression of someone who understood everything.

Han was shocked. His knees had stopped shaking, his eyes never left the face of the man he was paying to make him feel better.

«And how many times did you let this happen?» his tone was almost ironic and was starting to irritate the boy.

«I didn't count them. It lasted months» he replied dryly, clutching the armrests of the chair.

«And why didn't you dump him before?»

And here it is. That question.

The question Han had hoped no one would ask him, the question he had no answer to, the question that tormented him and that made him fear that a similar situation could happen again. 

He felt his voice die in his throat and a sense of shame overwhelmed him.

Why? Why hadn't he had the strength to leave Eun before?

He felt himself drowning in his negative thoughts, a tear welled up in his eye - just one, he was used to hold them back.

Why? He was weak, that was the reason.

He had deserved it. He deserved what happened to him and if it wasn't for Seojun he would never have gotten out of it.

Weak.

«Why are you crying now?» the man seemed almost annoyed.

Han still had some rationality left, untouched by that whirlwind of negative emotions. He got up from his chair and, without saying a word, he just left. 

He went home crying, feeling worse than before, and on his way back he decided that he would never return to that place again. He was wasting his mother's money on something that was only making him feel worse. 

«Baby, how it-» Haru stopped mid-sentence, «Are you crying?!» he asked, noticing his son's face wet with tears.

The boy took off his shoes, trying to silence his sobs, and hung his heavy jacket on the coat rack.

Luckily he had the strength to understand that man wasn't doing his job well. He didn't make him feel in a safe space and for a therapist it's the bare minimum. And despite feeling destroyed and judged, even though the man reminded him of his father and he had somehow hoped for his approval and understanding, after Eun he had promised himself: he would have no longer allowed anyone to treat him like shit.

«It's a waste of time and money!» he blurted quickly wiping his face with his hands, the pain gradually replaced by anger, «That man is an asshole.» he added.