Spiderman's Sister

Maybe things just don't work out between us

By the time I was in the kitchen, I had somehow lost my appetite. So I just made myself a cup of coffee which I took to our room. After drinking my coffee, I quickly jumped into the shower and am now sitting on the bed, my laptop on my lap, trying to get some work done. I recently completed my last assignment and am now practically unemployed. So the whole job today is finding new offers and posting ads hoping someone will hire me or have some assignment for me. Absolutely annoying. I remember why I preferred to be employed by a newspaper. I never had to worry about how to get assignments.

Bucky: Guess who got released from the hospital wing?

I was so engrossed that I didn't even realize that James was suddenly in the room. And to be honest, he's way too bright again. Just a few hours ago he had a surgery and now he's acting like nothing ever happened. As glad as I am that he seems to be fine, I keep staring at my screen. When I look at him now, and see even the hint of a mischievous grin on his face, I finally lose patience.

Bucky: Oh come on baby......I know you can see and hear me.

Victoria: But I don't want to see or hear you right now.

Bucky: Are you really mad? Look at me, i'm fine.

Victoria: Do you actually listen to yourself sometimes? You've just come out of the hospital wing. You may feel good, but your body still needs rest.

I feel stupid for telling him that over and over again. He slowly sits down next to me on the bed, puts his arm around me and pulls me close. Can we just leave it at that? In fact, that's all I want right now - to be held by James, cuddled with him and just being comfortable with each other.

Bucky: I'm fine baby.

But when he tilts his head and starts kissing my neck - in the way it always makes me tingly - it's finally enough. I push him away and jump out of bed, putting some distance between the two of us.

Victoria: Can't or don't you want to understand?! In just a few weeks you've jumped off the blade of death twice. If you weren't a super soldier you wouldn't be here anymore because you would be dead!

Bucky: It wasn't that bad.

Not so bad? Sure, if the one you love almost dies, that's not a bad thing at all. How can he be so stubborn and blinded? But if I'm being completely honest, I don't have the strength or the energy to try to explain to him again why it's so important for him to rest. I just can't do it anymore.

Victoria: I can't do this. I'm not doing this for weeks again.

Bucky: What do you mean?

He really doesn't understand. What hurts me the most is that he doesn't give a second thought to how painful - emotionally and physically - this all is for me. It hurts me that he doesn't understand that I'm just scared of losing him because I love him. After our conversation last night I really thought he understood that I love him and not just the sex we two have together. Apparently I got it wrong. I take a deep breath to keep myself from crying.

Victoria: Until you're better...... and until Bruce confirms that you're really fine, I'll be moving back into my house.

Bucky: You're not serious, are you?

James looks like I hit him in the face. Everything in me is screaming to put my arms around him and tell him that I'm only doing this to protect him, that I love him and of course I'll stay if he wants it, but at the same time, somewhere in my mind I know it wouldn't help the situation. It would only make James take it even less seriously. Maybe the prospect of losing me will finally wake him up.

Victoria: Yes, I'm serious. That way you won't be tempted in the first place.

Bucky: Why doesn't anyone believe that I know what's good for me and what's not?

Victoria: Obviously you don't know! Even after tonight you still don't see that we should have waited.

Bucky: I don't need to see anything that's not true.

Victoria: Stop! I cant hear it anymore! If sex is obviously all you're interested in in this relationship, maybe we should just end it!

I can't believe I just said that myself, but it would probably be for the best. Should he look for someone who is only in love with his body and who doesn't give a fuck if he dies during sex or not. But if that's what he wants, I'm obviously not the one for him. Still, I'm so scared of this tearing us apart that I can't hold back the tears anymore. I throw myself onto the bed - careful to keep some distance between James and I - bury my face in one of the pillows and cry. What else do I have to do to prove to him that we don't have to have sex to be with him?

Bucky: Baby??

Actually, I just want him to go away. But I don't have the strength to tell him that.

Bucky: Baby? Please stop crying.

No. I'm afraid I won't stop doing that for a very long time. I just want us to be able to be together again without worrying about whether he loves me because of me or because of the possibility of sex.