𝐌𝐮𝐬𝐞

⊱𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐⊰

Eun-Jae

The car drive back home was silent. Neither me nor Chaesoo said a single word after what had happened after the casting. The only thing on my mind was Nari, annoyingly. The way she stared back at me, her eyes filled with hurt but her face expressionless. I hated it. I hated the fact that it wasn't obvious that she was upset or angry or shocked. I hated that only I could see the hurt that was buried deep in her eyes. I hated it.

Before I had realized it, the car had come to a stop and Chaesoo was parked outside my apartment complex. Was I really that deep in thought? Was my mind that occupied with Nari? With her eyes? The way she stared back at me after the casting?

"Eun-Jae.." I heard Chaesoo say softly. I turned to face her not wanting to open my mouth to speak, not wanting any words to fall past my lips otherwise I might say the wrong thing, the wrong reasons as to why I was so agitated earlier.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know you felt that way, I didn't know you had built a much better life in New York. I don't know why I didn't ask you to come back to Seoul first but I'm sorry. If- if it makes you feel better I'll get you a new model, I don't know why you're so upset with Nari but I'll make it right I promise-" She stammered, tears flooding her eyes.

"No. I don't need anything else Chaesoo. Have a good night." I whispered, unbuckling my seat belt and getting out of the car. 

"Eun-Jae!" Chaesoo yelled out as I walked into my apartment building. I felt bad for walking away but just needed some space to clear my head. I made my way up the stairs and to my floor and to my apartment. I opened the door and stepped into my house, locking the door behind me. I dropped by bag and folder on the sofa and, went into the kitchen and grabbed a lighter from one of the drawers. I walked through the living room and out on to the balcony, taking in a deep breath. I dug through my pockets for my cigarettes and grabbed the box, opening it and pulling one out. Holding it between my lips, I lit it and inhaled, clouds of smoke tumbling past my lips as I removed the cigarette from my mouth, holding it between my fingers. 

I gazed at moon as it shone brightly in all its fullness, contrasting against the dark night sky. The stars also blazed beautifully in all their brilliant light, the fiery balls of brilliance scattered across the sky. But bellow the sky was a city, bustling and lively with tall skyscrapers that brushed against the clouds, radiating pinnacles of light amongst the darkness that ensued the rest of the city. It was beautiful. The juxtaposition between the light and dark was enticing. How could such opposites exist in a world together? At peace. At harmony. 

Sometimes I liked to think that my heart was the light, pure and innocent, trying to live in harmony with my mind, the darkness, stern and demanding. But they would never live together, at peace, at harmony. They were constantly at war with each other, trying to prove themselves right. Constantly battling, wounding my very existence. And it was painful. It hurts to be at war with yourself, to never know whether to follow your heart or your head. Whether to follow what you want or what you need. It was confusing. Did I want to go back to New York or did I need it? Did I want to stay in Seoul or do I need to stay in Seoul? I never knew what I wanted and it was tearing me apart. It was ripping apart my heart and my mind. Prying apart two things that were made to live together. At peace. At harmony. 

Sighing heavily I took one last inhale from the cigarette and snuffed it out, going back inside to throw it in the bin. My mind was flooded with thoughts and my heart was being wrenched apart; New York or Seoul. Which one did I want? Which one did I need?

⊱•⊰

Nari

Me, Nari Choi. I was the problem? I tapped my finger repeatedly on the steering wheel trying to figure out where I went wrong. Where I made a mistake. I have no idea what else was said about me in that room but either way I did something wrong and I needed to fix it. In a way I needed to fix myself. It just feels like wherever I go I'm just making mistakes. I couldn't do anything right and it was aggravating. Whether it was at home or at work, I just can't seem to get anything right. And I needed to fix that. I needed to fix myself. I needed to stop getting things wrong, stop making mistakes. I needed to be perfect.