Thirteen Ways To Cope≫ ImmortalHD

13. ask for help

Eddies birthday took a toll on me for the rest of the week. It felt like I couldn't move with out thoughts of Eddie suffocating me. I tried using everything Aleks had taught me, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't actually move on; I couldn't cope.

So I hid in my room, denied any offers to go anywhere, I basically relapsed back into the person I was directly after Eddies death. I'd reverted back to the stage in which I laid there with no will to do anything but cry and utter Eddies name until I couldn't bear to hear it roll off my tongue any longer.

When I reached the point of not being able to speak it, a mantra of it continued in my head as I lied in bed watching as the world continued on with out me.

Was it my fault Eddies dead? No

Of course it was.

Was it fair of me to replace him in Aleks eyes. Yes

No it wasn't.

Everything was my fault, and it always had been.

.

.

.

Aleks came to visit today, but I had mom send him away.

I told her I felt sick, and that I didn't want to get him sick. That was enough for her to believe me and send him away. It didn't work though on him; it never does with Aleks.

He always sees through my phony lies.

He was persistent enough to throw rocks at my window until I couldn't take the small "clinks" any longer. My headache seemed to intensify with each rock that hit the window; standing up felt like I was hit by a hurricane.When I opened the window he stood there arms at his side with innocent eyes and I knew I was trapped.

In the end I had to go down stairs and let him inside which took a tremendous amount of effort from me just to move from bed little lone go let him in.

It also lead to Aleks standing on the front porch stoop staring at me for a few moments. He stood there staring at me and taking in my current state; messy hair, tear stained cheeks complete with smudged eyeliner, and ratty old clothes that didn't fit quite right and had holes in various spots.

The look of pure sadness that seemed to engulf him made my heart ache worse than thinking of Eddie. I couldn't stand myself to see the glint in his eyes dissipate as he looked at me in pity.

"Jasey what happened?", he asks softly.

My mouth opens instantly but not words exit; they all get stuck in my windpipe. Aleks doesn't wait for any sort of answer anyway instead he engulfs me in his arms trying to provide comfort. I don't feel anything. I just feel empty.

"Come on Jasey.", he states.

Our fingers interlace as he leads me to my room on the second floor every step in the staircase creaking beneath my feet. Aleks falls into the blanketing on my bed with no hesitation while I sit on the edge, afraid to get too close to Aleks. Afraid to make him any more sad than I already had.

Afraid to let him know I was failing horribly.

My bottom lip quivers as he looks at me still waiting for an answer I couldn't force out. Each breath I took felt labored, and Aleks gaze seemed to grow heavier on me with each passing second. The way he looked at me tempted me into say anything just to make him stop giving me that look.

"I'm fine."

That's what I finally manage to utter out.
A complete lie.

"Don't fucking lie to me Jasey.", Aleks states, "I'm not an idiot."

I look at him again trying to keep myself together. I can't though, the concerned look in Aleks' eyes as he looks at me is too much. Tears fall down my face as I collapse into Aleks' chest sobbing. He sets to work comforting me by running circles on my back and holding me close in his embrace as my tears stain his shirt. The scent of old spice or some other similar cologne fills my nostrils and makes me dizzy as I continue sobbing not daring to say any word; not trusting my mouth.

"It's gonna be okay Jasey just tell me what's wrong.", Aleks asks his tone broken and defeated almost like he was the one about to cry. Like he was giving up on me; I pray he's not.

"I can't stop thinking about Eddie.", I manage to stutter. He tenses up at the mention of Eddies name for no known reason. As Aleks relaxes I attempt to recollect myself not wanting to seem any weaker than I already did.

"Why?", he questions.

One syllable that sends me into another spell.
I didn't know why.

I honestly didn't know why.

Why?

Why couldn't I stop thing about Eddie?

I wish I knew.

I really did wish I had a proper answer for Aleks.

"I don't know Aleks.", I whisper. A low sigh falls from his lips, and I glance at him. His mocha hair fell partially in his eyes as he looked down at me. Thin fragile fingers ran down the side of my face and down my jaw as brown eyes stayed focused on me. Then I understood why it hit so hard, but never could I tell Aleks; it was pure guilt of moving on from Eddie. Guilt was eating me alive, and I needed Aleks help to get past it.

"What do we do then?", he asks softly, pale pink lips barely moving. I close my eyes momentarily trying to make a decision as to what I should do.

"Just please help me somehow Aleks. This is me asking for your help...I need you to help me Aleks.", I breathe out. Aleks eyes meet mine as a small delighted smile spreads over his lips at me pleads as if he'd been waiting for this moment all his life.

Then the last thing on this list occurs to me, and it makes sense why he seemed so happy to hear me ask.

13. ask for help

"I never thought you'd ask Jasey."