Love, Loathing, and Limelight

Chapter Twenty-Three

 On day one of boot camp, I walked into Mark Anderson's dance studio at six in the morning. I had to be there for private instruction before and after. Hallie was there. I met her in the gym. She didn't look happy to be there, but not mad either. She had a look that said, "I won. You listen to me." It killed me. She was waiting for me by the elliptical. She didn't say anything, only gestured to it. I got the hint and hopped on. I had been running for thirty minutes when I started to slow down. I reached for my water bottle, but she kicked it out of my path.

"When you're done," she said. "Keep running." So I kept running. I ran for an hour. Then she let me get off, and I chugged in as much water as possible. My face felt hot, and my throat was a desert. We did drills after that, repeatedly, until the rest of the senior class got there. I felt like I would die, and the day hadn't even started.

Lunch breaks didn't exist. You got thirty minutes to run to the kitchen and pack as much fruit into a smoothie as possible. Usually, I would have loved it. It was crazy, but this kind of physical work was what I loved. I loved the feeling of improving your mile time. I loved dancing until I could no longer go on, but a voice in my head haunted me. It was holding me back from pushing myself.

Noah doesn't love you.

I got home at ten on the first day because Hallie kept me later than everybody else. All I did was lift. When I finally settled in my pajamas, I couldn't move. Even breathing made me feel like my body would tear in half if I took a breath too deep.

Every day when I woke up, the first thought was always the same. Noah doesn't love you. Every time Hallie told me to do another rep, Noah doesn't love you. It infuriated me, so I pushed myself, but nothing was working. In the moment, it wasn't bothering me that I wasn't really the best dancer anymore because dancing was enough to keep me distracted. As long as I can dance, I can live without him. I was just surviving at this point.

Hallie didn't want to push me to improve. She pushed me to make me suffer, and I couldn't take it for much longer. Every day, from six in the morning to ten at night, it was nothing but pushing my body to a new level. Hallie was wearing a mask. She looked so collected on the outside, like she kept up the facade of "I don't have time for this. Sure, I guess I'll train her, Mr. Lee. She could be better." Only I knew the Hallie on the inside. On the inside, she was laughing maniacally. She was cackling like an evil witch, loving every minute of my torture. I hurt everywhere in my body every second of every day, but I had to go on. I just had to. Then the thought would cross my mind again. Noah doesn't love you.

My hand grasped the bar as I took massive breaths. Sweat was pouring from every part of me. I pulled myself up after practicing my falling spins. You spin seven times in a row, and then you gracefully slide into the splits on the floor. Hallie walked around me, pacing.

"Again," she said. She had been doing that constantly. It was the last day of camp, and I was in my afternoon private instruction. Every time I did a set, she wouldn't give me any feedback. She would just walk around me and say, "Again."

"Again." I pulled myself up using the bar and set myself up for another falling spin.

"Again." My jaw was quivering, and I was crying. My body hurt. I wanted to go home.

"Again." I had bruises all along my legs. My feet were blistered. My eyes were puffy, and my mouth naturally wanted to hang open. I miss Noah. Noah hates you. Every time I hit the ground, a thud echoed across the room.

"Again." This time I couldn't get up. My arms trembled as I struggled to keep my upper body off the ground.

"Get up," she said. I couldn't get up. She stood there as I caught my breath and cried. She scoffed. "You're pathetic, Sara," she said. I couldn't hold back my rage toward her anymore.

"You do it then," I snapped.

"Oh, shut up," she said. "That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it." What? What was she talking about? What about me is pathetic?

"What?" I asked.

"Don't play stupid with me," she said. Was I playing stupid? Or was I just actually stupid? At this point in my life, I would have been okay with being considered stupid as long as I knew it. I needed clarity in any way I could get it. I didn't know anything anymore. "Why are you crying, Sara? Is it because you're in pain? Or is it because you can't go crying to Noah about how your life sucks?" The audacity sunk into my heart.

"Don't bring Noah into this," I said as I gathered the strength to stand up. "You don't know anything about us." I wasn't even looking for an argument anymore. I just wanted her to shut up.

"Oh, there's an 'us' now," she said. "Well, I'm sorry that you had everything you could ever want, Sara. I'm sorry that sleeping with Noah Lancaster didn't make you happy. I'm sorry that Cameron isn't a world-renowned teen heartthrob. That must suck for you. I guess you'll have to settle for just a normal boring person like you," she said sarcastically. I was flabbergasted. What did any of that have anything to do with anything going on in my life? Why is she making these accusations like she knows it for a fact?

"What are you talking about?" I asked frantically.

"Don't give me that," she said. "You're just sad and upset because Mr. Rich-and-Famous doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. Is that right?" Is that what people were thinking about me? I'm just some lonely, depressed girl who hates life because a guy left me after he got what he wanted? Is that what she thinks of Noah? That he's just another guy who knows what he wants and how to get it? He's not. Not at all.

"No!" I said. "Noah is the most selfless person I have ever met. He's-" I didn't even know where to begin. "- funny, thoughtful, and so strong. He doesn't let anything stop him from doing what he wants, and he always considers the other person and I love him-" I could have gone on talking about him forever. But then I remembered that Hallie doesn't need to know. I was crying, and when I came down from my daydreaming, she was crying too.

"Well," she said. "You can have fun believing what you want about Noah. But just remember that no matter what you say or do, you will always be seen as a publicity whore. That is how people see you now, and you will never be able to change it."

"Is that how you see me, Hallie?" I asked.

"Go home, Sara," she said. So I did.

I grabbed my bag and stormed out of the building, tears begging to be let out. I made my way down four flights of stairs. I didn't have the patience for the elevator. Each stair was like a whole new level of this intense miserable feeling that I'd been feeling. As I stepped down, I got lower and lower in anxiety. I was running briskly, my whole body tense. I was sore, and I wanted all my limbs to go numb so I didn't have to feel anything.

Then, suddenly, I was mid-step, and I felt an intense throbbing in my hamstring. I missed the stair and tumbled to the bottom of the staircase, letting out a scream of a horrible combination of fear and pain. I lay on my back at the bottom of my staircase, clutching my leg and screaming at the top of my lungs. My voice filled four flights of stairs, and the echo returned, attacking me like an army of sound.

Four flights turned into eight, and I saw a head stick out from the top flight.

"Oh my god!" I heard. "Mr. Lee!" The voice echoed away. I continued to scream until the noise was too much for me to take, then I started to blackout. Moments later, I saw Mr. Lee, Madam, and Hallie surrounding me.

"Sara," I heard him say urgently. "Sara!" He snapped in front of my face, but I could only hear the echo before I completely blacked out. 

Hello, lovelies! Hope you are doing well. What did you think of this chapter? Do you think Hallie has a point? Is Sara going to be ok? LMK! Or don't. Live your life. Have a good day :)