Love, Loathing, and Limelight

Chapter Thirty

I'm sure he saw the face of a shocked and terrified girl, but I saw the face of someone who had immeasurable hope for the future. Our future.

"What are you doing here?" I managed to get out breathily.

"You know the answer to that," he said. I took a deep breath.

"Noah, where have you been?" I said, full of all imaginable emotions. I was ignoring a voice in my head telling me not to do it, telling me I would break his heart again, and the guilt would haunt me forever. But the words came pouring out. "Nobody's heard from you- nobody's seen your face. Your show has had absolutely nothing to comment on this, and I've been drug through the dirt for months, hearing absolutely nothing from you-"

"-You heard absolutely nothing from me because you wanted to hear absolutely nothing from me, so you blocked me in every possible way so that you could hear absolutely nothing from me! Did you think I would go on national news to try to reach you? Did you think I was going to let social media know the ins and outs of our relationship before we talked about it? Did you think I would let the whole world know the words I want only you to hear?"

"Well, with the whole country against me, it would have been nice if you would have come forward and told the truth so that I didn't have to have my reputation destroyed!" I argued.

"Well, it would have been nice if you didn't lie to me!"

"There she is!" I heard a voice say. It was the same woman who had asked me a question at the theater earlier. "And there's Noah Lancaster! Hurry!" I knew she was ushering at least one person with a camera, but before seeing the others come around the corner, I started running, leaving Noah to race after me. These people just don't sleep.

"Sara!" Noah shouted as he bolted after me. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know where I could go. I kept running until I was choking on my tears, then Noah caught up to me. I looked around and saw that I was in the same park that I come to often, the same park where Noah and I had first spent time together. I had a panic attack.

"Sara, look at me," he said. He tried to hold my face. "Look at me. You're ok." He wiped the tears from my eyes. I could tell that he cared about me. He wouldn't have followed me making a stupid if he didn't. He wouldn't be standing there wiping tears from his eyes if he didn't love me. But I was terrified. Not of him, but his affection for me. What's the catch? There has to be one.

"Stop it," I said as I pulled away from him. "Why are you like this?"

"Like what, Sara!? I am trying to understand you!?"

"Why?" I said again, " I have been mean to you. I have ignored you! I don't understand why you even bother to associate your name with me-"

"How many times do I have to say I love you!?"

"But why!?"

"Why?!"

"Why?!"

"Because you looked past my name! Because you have dreams that don't depend on anyone else! Because you're- you're more stubborn than me, and-"

"Those aren't reasons!" I screamed back.

"Says who?" he screamed. "What are your reasons, Sara?!"

"My reasons for what?!" I screamed back.

"For everything!"

"Noah, I pushed you away because I was scared of what comes with being with you! Ok!? It was unfamiliar, so I ran. You came into my life, and you changed everything, and it scared me, so I hurt you before you could do anything else. The guilt of breaking your heart just tore me apart, and I hurt everyone else in my life. I told myself I didn't love you, and I thought I could easily move on a-and go back to what I was used to if I just pretended it never happened! And I know now that that was stupid, but I felt like I didn't deserve you after all I had done. And th-the thought of us scared me, so I ran from it. I ran so fast, and the farther I ran, the scarier it was to come back because, damn it, Noah, I love you."

Finally, being able to say those words to him was like every bit of stress in my life was gone. They were like the magic words to make my problems disappear, but I trailed off at the end because he was just staring in amazement. That had the potential to be a beautifully poetic moment, but my words came out in a mess, and yet he could make sense of it. He held my hands and stared at me until he laughed a little, then I realized...

"Did you just trick me into-," I said.

"Yes, I did," he said. I laughed a little too.

"It worked," I said, sniffing and smiling.

"I know," he said.

"So what now?" There was silence as we looked at each other.

"I could kiss you if you want," he said.

I did want him to kiss me, but I saw no reason why I had to wait for him to do it. I had spent way too long waiting for him to do something when I could have done it all along. I wouldn't make that mistake again. I put my hand on the back of his head and kissed him, something I had wanted to do since the last time I did it. His lips were warm and soft. He put one arm around my back and the other hand on my cheek. Anyone else might have just seen two teenagers, out in the freezing cold, at midnight, in a grass field, kissing each other devotedly under an inky blue sky. But only I knew that in choosing him, I was really choosing me. Only I knew that I had been on a journey of self-discovery and defeated the part of me that wanted me to fail. Only I knew that Noah was only in my life because I had learned to love myself. We are more than a cheesy love story. We are a story of taking charge of your life.