Love, Loathing, and Limelight

Chapter Twenty-Six

Over and over again, this lady came to me week after week and asked how she could pray for me. It was strange, and it got me to go to church regularly.

Part of my physical therapy was lying in this machine once a week. I couldn't use my phone because of the radiation or something like that, so I had to lie there for twenty minutes doing absolutely nothing while a machine was doing God knows what to my leg. One day Chris came to visit me.

"How's it going, Sara?" he asked casually.

"What do you think, Chris?" I responded. He chuckled.

"Ari's taking over your role," he said. "She really needs some help with her big solo, so she told me to ask you." I let the thought sink in. Ari can't dance as the lead. She's never made it out of the ensemble. She'd be the first to tell you that. But she's one of my best friends. I can't be dancing the part, so the least I can do is shut up and be happy for her.

"If she wants the kind of teacher that's no show and all tell, then I'd be happy to since I'm not even allowed to stretch outside of therapy." he walked to the other side of the machine so that I couldn't see him. I started to cry. "This sucks," I said. "I mean, would you have ever thought that-"

"No," he said, interrupting me. "Never. But, I mean, this year is full of surprises. I'm a captain, Ari's one of the leads, and you're in love," he said.

"Oh yeah, and I'm in love," I said. "I'm in love with somebody who probably hates me. I'm in love with somebody I'll never see again."

"And why is that, Sara?" he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Why are you never going to see him again?" he asked. "Did he tell you he never wants to see you again?"

"No," I said quickly. "Kind of the opposite, actually," I said.

"Then just hear me out for a few minutes," he said. "I'm only trying to help you."

"I'm listening," I said. He took a deep breath.

"Why are you acting like you need him?"

"I'm not," I said.

"You are," he responded. "I mean you- you're sad all the time because you're not with him. You refused to go out with Cameron because you missed him. Suddenly you can't dance, and you're pulling muscles and falling downstairs and giving up on yourself all because of him. It just seems like you think you need him. I mean- what am I missing?"

"I don't need him," I said. "I just really really want him. I could easily choose to pretend like I don't and move on, but that would just be lying to myself. I miss him. I love him. I want him."

"Then why the hell don't you tell him?"

"Because he hates me," I said softly. "He must. I broke his heart. It just seems too good to be true, I guess. I mean, one phone call, and it all goes away? There's a catch. I know there is," I admitted.

"Sara," he said as he sat next to me. "Do you realize that you're the villain in your own story?" The room went dead.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean, there's something that's keeping you two apart. And you can pretend like it's 'fate' or whatever, but it's you. There's no evil stepmother trying to keep you apart. There's no wicked witch. As much as the news has been making things worse, they're not the ones stopping you."

My head started spinning. Little girls who love fairy tales grow up thinking of their life as one. You think of the story's villains as people who seek to destroy the hero out of pure hatred. Villains are selfish and immoral people. We all have stories and villains, but until Chris pointed it out, I didn't realize that the villain in my story was me. I was the one who pushed Noah away in the first place. I was the one who refused to let the hero have a happily ever after. Sara-the-antagonist works day and night to ensure that Sara-the-protagonist can't be happy, and that's because I don't think I deserve to be satisfied.

"You know I love you, Sara," he said as he got up.

"I love you, too," I said.

"Give him a call before Ari or I decide to," he laughed. With that, he was gone, and I was left emotionally numb.

We had had consistent performances. The final show was the night of the last day of school. It was the most significant performance of the year. It was the closest thing we could get to a Christmas Eve performance. More importantly, it was the last time I would be doing The Nutcracker. Well, it was supposed to be the last time I'd be doing The Nutcracker.

We were performing in the Lana Concert Hall. People were dressed like they were attending an opera. The entire place was completely packed and beautiful, as I expected. It was weird watching the performance instead of being in it. I was put in Megan's shoes, watching my people dance from the audience like she had been doing for years. But Megan was happy. Megan felt like she belonged in the audience. In these instances, she belonged to the role of supportive best friend/aunt, and she enjoyed it. I didn't belong in the audience.

I always have and always will belong on the stage. Of course, I love Ari, and she knows it, but I couldn't help but feel like she didn't belong in that role, and I know she feels the same. I know the only reasons Mr. Lee gave it to her are that he's furious at Hallie, she's a senior, and all the other seniors already have character roles, while Ari was just in the ensemble. And I guess Mr. Lee was just open to trying something new.

She worked very hard on the dance. I'll give her that. I was proud of her for being able to do what she did in such little time, but there were those moments where I needed it to be me instead. I noticed when she looked down to ensure that her feet were right instead of showing character on her face. After a while, I moved past the fact that no matter how badly I needed it to be me, it wasn't. It was Ari. And although she got the part in a luck lottery, it was her turn to be the star. I was proud of her.

"Alright," said Chris as we finally left the theater. "Who's ready for the traditional two a.m. post-show dinner run?" My friends were incredible. They'd put up with me for years and were there for me even after lying to them. I didn't deserve friends like them, and once I realized it, the words came spilling out.

"You guys go on," I said as I began to distance myself from them. They looked at me like I was crazy, and I felt like I was.

"What?" Ari said. I did not deserve the time with my friends, and I didn't deserve the traditional two a.m post-show dinner run. I wasn't in the show. I didn't earn the reward. As much as I wanted to, I felt too guilty to have anything. And the words kept pouring out.

"I'm good," I said sternly. "You guys have been doing practice without me for months. What's it to you if I skip dinner?"

"We want you there," Ari said, but Chris stood silent, staring at me in disbelief.

"I don't think you do," I said, my voice rising. "Ever since my accident, it stopped being Sara, Chris, and Ari, and it just became Chris and Ari." I paused and saw my best friends completely speechless. I was forming tears because I knew what I was about to do. "And maybe it should stay that way." I wanted to say so much more, but I couldn't bear to hurt them anymore when I never wanted to in the first place. I quickly ran away and managed to collect myself enough to make it to my room without crying in front of Megan.

The church lady had been asking me about coming to Bible study, and time after time, I told her I was busy, which was straight up a lie. But she told me she was having a Christmas party at her house instead of Bible study, and something told me to go.

"Where are you going?" Megan asked as I headed out the door.

"Party," I said. She got excited. Parties were her thing.

"Oh my god," she said, stuffing a cookie in her mouth. "I've been waiting for this," she said. "Okay, give me five minutes. I gotta change into my sexy elf dress."

"Megan," I said, cutting her off. "What are you doing?"

"Partying," she said like it was apparent. She didn't know it was a church party. Something came into my mind to say, and it just spilled out before I could use my filter.

"You don't think you're too old for that?" I said.

"Sara," she said. Why did I say that? I love my aunt. I love her for how carefree she is.

"Whatever," I said under my breath as I left. I had to do something irrational, so I grabbed Megan's keys off the counter. "It's too cold to take the bike. I'm taking the car."