you were in my dream • chiscara [modern]

dear ei

[huge tw]

Sometimes, I see myself as nothing.
Nothing special, nothing good, nothing worth.

Maybe I'm unproductive and rude, but is that seriously my fault when all you did abandon me?

December. 19 years ago.

That's the date which I remember well.

You helped me get my shoes and coat on to go outside because I felt too sad to myself.

You threw snow at me and made me laugh countless times.

I loved it, I loved it so much.

I loved you so much.

A year later, when my younger sibling were born, my life all came down into a hellhole.

My mother ignored me for her, and she said it's because she was younger.

What kind of kid would be stupid enough not to realize that was neglect?

3
"Mom, I'm hungry!"

4
"Mom, wanna play outside?"

5
"Mom, my head hurts from my hair being so long.."

6
"Mom, why does my sister get everything, and I get nothing?"

7
"Mom, I'm walking to school."

8
"Mom, I hate myself."

9
"Mom, why can't you care for me?!"

10
"Mom, I get not even food from you."

11
"Mom, you're not my mother."

12
"Ei, you're useless."

13
"Ei, I hate you."

14
"You're neglecting me, I hope you're proud."

15
"You're a disgusting person."

16
"..."

17
"..."

August 8th

ever since my one friend died, I couldn't take it anymore.

I couldn't do it anymore.

My past with my suffering and friends was way too much to start with.

I dropped out of school
I deleted every social media app I had
I quit every activity
I threw away everything that even slightly reminded me of the thing that calls herself my mother.

I gave up.
I walked outside with a raincoat on to the nearest bridge.

I began taking off my shoes as I was picturing what I'd feel like if I never had to worry about losing myself again.

As I began lifting myself up onto the railings..

I felt an unfamiliar presence behind me.

My disgusting "thing" of a sister stood behind me.

She watched me, her face tearing up.

I stared at her face in disgust as she came running to me.

I don't want to feel her touch.
She looks like ei, sounds like ei and is apart of ei.

We're all connected anyways, right?--

--Not in the next couple of minutes.

She ran to me, reaching her hand out.

I took a breath and fell backwards,

The cold air surrounding my body, as I fell.

I heard absolutely nothing.
I saw nothing.

I felt so peaceful and happy.

I hit the water and sunk, deep.

My body twitched in pain as I inhaled the water before I finally sunk.

August 16th

A week later, I heard sounds of beeps, and people talking.

I could feel my heart pounding in horror to see I was alive.

I was strapped to a hospital bed with multiple needles and tubes in my arms.

I was too tired to talk or even try to get out.

A mask was strapped onto my face, and my clothing was ripped or cut open.

A note, left on the wall as far as I can see.

I couldn't look far, as my neck was also strapped down tight.

The note read
"Don't ever do that again, Kunikuzushi." Signed ei.

The most my mother did for me in my worst moments was leave a note.?

Is that all I'm worth...?

20
"Mom, I'm sorry."