Under Pressure

Just Go With It

I was somewhat glad that they hadn't shown up, it would've been torture to be forced to fight them. I couldn't do it, I still loved them, no matter how unfair to me it was that I did. Voice led me back to the abandoned building, what I was told I could call home safely. Home, such an odd word, something that was unattainable as far as I could tell. There was nowhere to be safe, nowhere on earth where someone would hold me and tell me everything was alright without having some sort of alternate motive. Now that I was cooperating again, they were acting like none of that ever happened. "You know that everything I've told you is just the truth, I'm telling you this for your betterment, right?" What kind of a question was that? How was I supposed to answer to something that filled my chest with a thick feeling, choking out anything that felt like life. How was I meant to feel about that statement? "I only threatened you because if you ended up going back or telling anyone, they'd manipulate you, and then you'd die a tragic death. I'd be doing you a mercy if you decided to go back. I care about you, Donatello, I'm the only person you can trust. I'm the only one that loves you, I told you before that no one else does." I took a deep breath, then nodded. It was smart to just play along, to pretend I was still easily manipulated, to avoid getting hurt or putting my family in more danger. When I did see them again, I'd have to fight them, but I'd have to throw the fight. 

"Of course I do." I  spoke quietly, it came out more despondently than I'd meant it to. 

"Good." Voice went and patted my head. It felt wrong, it didn't feel the way it did before. I knew to fear them, so the affection they gave me felt hollow, empty, like it was just them trying to make me feel bad for having any doubts. It probably was, but I didn't have time to think about that. "it's been a long day, hasn't it? I think the best way to relax would be to keep working on your new staff."

"Isn't it good enough?" I felt even worse knowing that they already wanted me to do more. I didn't want to do more, I wanted to go to a tight space of my choosing, hide in my shell, and not go out again until it was safe. Maybe until April was there, reaching for me and saying my name with that empathy that I needed. She toyed with my emotions, but it was the safest I felt. At least she didn't use me to try to hurt my brothers, at least I didn't have to be afraid of her. 

"Not yet, everything that always be improved upon." Voice put their hand on my shoulder. "Now, how does working on it sound?"

"Perfect." I had to lie, I was used to it anyways, so what difference did it make? "A great way to spend my time since it's something I want to work on."

"Wonderful." Voice smiled, satisfied with my answer. I was extremely glad that they fell for it or at least pretended to, I didn't need anything else happening. I didn't need any more yelling, any more threats. "Run along now, I have a few things I need to do to make this easier for the both of us."

"Okay." I nodded and went to my room. Why did I have to keep working so incredibly hard no matter where I went? I needed a break, I had hoped that coming here would make things easier on me, but unfortunately it was a trap and now I was stuck with someone who seemed to not even know the definition of love. I wasn't one to talk, I probably didn't know what the meaning of love was either. If I'd loved my family, I wouldn't have abandoned them for a complete stranger. If I'd loved April, I would've left her alone after saving her, I would've hidden all of my issues from her and just let her see me as a freak, let her live a normal life like she wanted. If I'd loved myself, I would've taken breaks despite what other people said, I would've respected myself enough to not let Voice's words about me cut so deep. If I'd loved anything, I would've done things so differently, my personality probably wouldn't have even been recognizable to those who knew me. Maybe I was incapable of love, maybe that was why I felt so strange about Voice's actions. They said time and time again that they cared about me, people lash out at odd times all the time. Maybe they'd had a rough day, maybe I just didn't care enough about people to notice. I mean, it must've been difficult to take in a random kid and provide for them without being ready just because they were pouting about their current living situation, I didn't have room to complain when I was finally safe. I was a jerk for assuming anything bad about them, wasn't I?