Under Pressure

Understanding

I didn't know how, but I'd fallen asleep without noticing it. Leo and Mikey had also fallen asleep, but Raph was just staring at me. When he noticed my eyes were open, he turned away from me quickly, looking to be embarrassed. "What?" I asked quietly, sitting up. "Did I do something?"

"No." Raph mumbled, his rage was clearly being repressed. "I was just making sure you were still alive."

"Really?" I hadn't expected him to be so honest with me so quickly, especially with something like that.

"Yeah, now get off my shell about it." He didn't seem to be in a talking mood. 

"Sure thing." I got up and patted his shell, then went to the kitchen to get some water. I let the water from the faucet pour into my cup slowly, trickling as my mind started to work again. Why did they care? What had I done to earn their compassion and love? Why would they all be so upset about me being hurt? How could I get them to stop caring so much? It hurt to feel so loved after so long of feeling unwanted. It was a nice change, I preferred them loving me, but their love came at the price of their happiness because I didn't know how to handle myself. I was being selfish for taking their love, I wasn't just doing what they wanted and it hurt them. 

"You're a traitor, you know." Voice's whisper startled me, I didn't know where they were and I knew they were doing it on purpose. "You could've had a happy life but you gave it away for them. Come back when you're ready to be worth something and to be truly understood."

"Huh?" I kept my voice quiet, I didn't want Raph to hear me and wonder who I was talking to. It would only make things worse, he'd probably think I'd sold them out or something. Technically, that was true since I had betrayed them before. But was it my fault? I was being manipulated, wasn't I?

"Didn't you hear me?" Voice sighed. "Don't 'huh' at me. You're being rude, way more rude than usual. I gave you everything, the least you could do is be respectful towards me."

"I barely know you." I whispered. "I shouldn't have gone with you."

"Don't listen to their lies, you're overthinking things again." Voice sounded frustrated with me, just like I knew they probably would be. "You're wasting your time here, these are the people you've been training to get revenge against, these are the people you spent so much time working to free yourself from. Remember everything they said about you? Who's spent more time hurting you? Them, or me?"

"Them..." I knew that part was true, I hadn't been with Voice for long, so they didn't have nearly enough time to hurt me as much as my family had hurt me. Maybe Voice had a point...? No, I wasn't going to let them trick me again, I was going to choose for myself what I did, I was going to choose who I trusted on my own.

"Exactly, they hurt you more. I might've made mistakes, but everything I did, I was doing to try to help. I might not have done it in the right way, but no one's perfect. I'm doing what I can to help you. Come back to me." Voice sounded closer, it felt like they were practically close enough to reach out and grab me if they wanted to. But I had no idea where they were. All of this was so confusing. Was I supposed to believe my family or was I supposed to listen to Voice and go back to them? 

"I'm just getting water." I decided not to make the choice, I wasn't ready. "Get out of the lair, you don't belong here."

"Neither do you." Voice chuckled quietly. "You know that. You don't fit in with any of them. You were so much more accepted with me, you were so much happier there. Aren't you just dragging these people down anyways?" I was already thinking about that, how did Voice know about that? I didn't want to give it away that they were probably right, so I just drank some of my water. 

"I've gotten my water, I'm going now." I turned to leave.

"Where are your manners, Donnie? You know you don't just leave a conversation in the middle of it." I could practically feel Voice glaring at me. I wanted to say something sassy, to snap at Voice to make them leave me alone, but that wouldn't help anything, so I just huffed quietly and left the kitchen anyways. I sat down where I'd been before and continued drinking my water. Raph didn't seem to have noticed that I took long, either that or he decided I'd just needed the time to myself. That's what I thought, at least. How was I supposed to know what Raph was thinking? I could barely even be considered a member of the family with the way I'd betrayed them, with the way I was acting towards them lately. I'd done so much to try to preserve my own happiness that I didn't even consider their feelings, how was I supposed to know what Raph was feeling right now? It was stupid of me to think like that.