Under Pressure

Sneaking Out

It took another week to adapt to staying with Voice in the conditions that had changed. Training, rest, eat, training, rest, eat, repeating over and over again. When we talked, it was always about how much I deserved more than what my "old" family had given me, how I deserved better than them and how I deserved to get revenge on them in order to make things better for myself. The only other thing we talked about was how much Voice cared about me, how much better my life was going to be staying with them. I didn't know if I was supposed to believe it, but I just replied with "okay". If it needed a different response, it was either "yes" or "no", I put as little effort into everything as possible. I got hit less often when I put in more effort during training, so I put any effort I had into that instead. I didn't even put in effort to eat, Voice just brought me food and I ate it when it was brought to me. I didn't remind them if they forgot, I didn't complain if they brought me more than I could eat without feeling sick. "Donatello, do you think you're ready to complete your only mission?" Voice patted my head gently, touching a bruise that had formed from training.

"No." I answered simply, I couldn't look Voice in the eyes so I just looked down. As much as they'd cared for me, it bothered me to look at them. It was like trying to look Splinter in the eyes after a rough day of training, it just wasn't going to happen no matter how hard I tried.

"Why not?" Voice sounded either disappointed or angry with me, I couldn't tell which one. I had to create a full explanation with a question like that, I didn't want to but since I couldn't just ignore them, I took a moment to think before answering.

"Not ready, not strong enough." I couldn't even beat one of them in training alone, how was I supposed to fight all three of them at once and hope to win? Sure, they wouldn't want to hurt me and I would be trying to hurt them, but it still would be too difficult to pull off. I wasn't strong enough to fight them properly, it would probably take months of training in order to get it done. I didn't want to fight them anyways, at least I could take more training from Voice. Maybe it'd make me feel more open to the idea of hurting my brothers, maybe it wouldn't, but I didn't care either way. Making things easier for me or harder for me farther down the line didn't matter to me since I just wanted to make things easier for myself in the present.

"That makes sense, you still have much to learn." Voice nodded. "That's a wise decision, Donatello, good job. I was testing you of course, I know you aren't ready and wanted to make sure you knew too. You're incompetent at the moment, do you understand?"

"Yes." I nodded. I didn't like being reminded that I was weak and, to be honest, pathetic, but I had to take it. I couldn't do anything to change it, I couldn't make Voice take it back. What was I going to do, fight them? They were already kicking my shell in training, I couldn't even land that many hits on them before I went down and got myself covered in bruises again. 

"Don't worry though, I'll make you stronger. It will take time, but you've got more potential than you think." Voice smiled at me, then pulled me into a hug. "I'm proud of you, you're doing great. You've learned so much whether you know it or not."

"Thank you." I closed my eyes. I didn't want them to hug me, but at the same time, I needed it. I needed them to reassure me, I needed them to tell me they were proud of me. If I didn't have that, then there would be nothing keeping me with them. Maybe they knew that and that was why they were doing it, but even if they did, I wasn't going to complain. If they were doing something because they knew I needed it, I was probably supposed to be grateful. 

"Of course. You deserve to know that you're doing well, your old family never told you what you needed to here, and that's why you're here with me. I'm a much better family for you, isn't that right?" Voice was practically trying to pry an agreement from me, but I wasn't going to fight it.