all our stars, bench trio

chapter twenty-six

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

december 25, 2017

warning for themes of death and cancer

Elijah is already in my living room by the time I wake up. He's got a mug of hot chocolate, and he's got at least three blankets piled on top of him. He smiles widely at me, though his eyes show he didn't sleep well. He's wearing a Santa hat with a miniature bell on the end. It jingles every time it moves his head. The noise bothers me a little bit, but I don't want to put a damper on his Christmas spirit. "Please Come Home For Christmas" by The Eagles is playing from someone's phone.

"June! I told you guys she'd be up!" Rae looks up at me and tucks some hair behind her ear. Her red locks are starting to grow wavier. She has on a green sweater depicting a gingerbread man with a bitten-off leg. White bubble letters read 'Oh Snap!"

She hands me a mug of cocoa. "Dad and Beth wanted to open presents without you."
"Mum!"
"We didn't!"

I sit down next to Elijah. He cozies up right beside me and offers me one of his blankets. I decline and take my own from the couch. Mum returns from checking on something cinnamony in the kitchen and sees everyone waiting.

"Oh, good, are we all ready? The sweet rolls won't be ready for another 20 minutes, so I think we can get through a round or two." Cass has taken to distributing gifts. Her hair is also growing curly, and her roots are starting to turn dark. She's starting to look like her mother, from what I've seen of the photo in their house.

Cass stacks a small, smooth-looking package on top of what's obviously a book. I murmur out a "thanks" to Cass.

We open our first round all at the same time. It settles the disputes of who gets to open the first present. Mum gets a set of cooking utensils. Joe gets another Frank Sinatra record. Cass, Rae, and Eli all chipped in for that one. I open up the smaller gift. I rip the paper, by accident. It fills me with sorrow, seeing the destroyed printed reindeer. I lift off the lid, and—

"Wow."

Eli sees what I've opened and puts his new sketchbook down. He shuffles over. It's a necklace. The charm is shiny gold, in the shape of an eye.

"That's the Eye of Horus. It was used in Ancient Egypt as a symbol of protection."

"That's—that's amazing, Eli, thank you."

He giggles, looking bashful. "Hey, it was only my idea. Dad paid for it and everything." I laugh, thank Eli again, and throw in a thanks for Joe as well.

Eli smiles at me and turns back to his sketchbook. It came with a pack of colored pencils. The cover advertises high-quality paper. Eli's not really a type of person to advertise himself as an artist, but he's still pretty good nonetheless. He has a sort of cartoonish style that's fun for doodles.

We go through some more. I get a nice pair of headphones, a YA fantasy books series, and a couple pairs of jeans. The Armstrongs get matching pajamas, which some were more happy about than others.

Mum dishes out the sweet rolls and we all dig in.

Eli laughs heartily and rests his head on my shoulder.

"Merry Christmas, June."
I ruffle his hair. "Merry Christmas, Eli."

may 20, 2018

"He's ready to see you now." I thank the nurse. She looks like she hasn't eaten or slept in a couple days. Her cheeks are growing hollow and her eyebags are engraved in her skin.

I walk in. Eli's not in better shape than the nurse. His skin is a not-good color and he's in a cold sweat.

"You're cold?" I ask.

"A bit."
"I can get you a blanket."

"Shh, no. Sit with me."
"Please, let me help you."

"No, June, I need to talk to you. I... I don't have much time left." He laughs shakily.

"No. No, you're going to live the rest of your life with me. You're not dying. You — you don't get to leave me alone. You're going to grow up and graduate with me, and we're going to live together and adopt like, six cats, and you're going to teach me guitar and—"

"—June. Please."

"I—I'm sorry."
"Thank you for being my friend." I can't fucking take this. I can't do it.
"I should be thanking you."
"No, no, June, let me be the thankful one, okay? Shh." I'm crying. I don't cry, ever. I didn't even cry when he first told me, but a tear is still dripping down my cheek.

"Don't cry, June. I'm here."
"It's—it's not fair, your so good, it should be me, it should be me—"

"No, it's not fair, but it shouldn't be you, okay? This isn't your fault. You're just as good as I am, okay?" His eyes are closed, but he's still breathing. He's still breathing, he's still breathing. He's still breathing. But he's about to die. The doctor told us, and he's not giving any indication that the doctor is wrong.

"What do I do when you're gone?"

He considers this for maybe too long. I think I might be wasting seconds. "You live."

"I can't live without you."

"No, you will. It'll be hard, you'll go on, okay? You'll heal, and maybe one day I'll be a distant memory. I need you to promise me that you'll try and live."

"I don't want to, I don't want to live without—"

"Shh. Quiet, June, I love you." He smiles softly.

HE'S NOT BREATHING.

 HE'S NOT BREATHING HE'S NOT BREATHING HE'S NOT BREATHING HE'S NOT

"No. No, no, no. This isn't happening. Wake UP! You don't get to leave me alone, please! ELIJAH!"

The nurse takes me out of his room. I notice through my blurred vision that she's crying too. She's seen too many deaths for one person.

Her name tag reads Angel. It seems appropriate, but if that's the case, then I think the angels deserve a break.

His family is sitting outside. They all know exactly what's happened. Everyone else has said goodbye, but I'm the one who had to watch him die.

I don't cry, but I choke on words and scream so loudly that all the angels in the sky could hear me, because maybe they'll send him back down if they can hear me from up there. They don't send him back. He isn't sent down in golden light from the clouds with round porcelain skin and a distressed sweater. He's still sunken and hollow and dead in that stupid fucking hospital.

I sob between screams the only right thing to say.

"I promise you, Elijah, I promise you."

"I love you."