𝗛𝗘𝗥 » 𝗕𝗧𝗦 𝗙𝗙 (𝗢𝗧𝟳)

CHAPTER 15 » BAD-BYE

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Good byes.

They come in different forms and the emotions behind them varies. Some good byes are told with happy emotions, the good byes that gives hope and carries promises of meeting again. While some good byes are told with sad emotions, they are the ones told with sad tears and aching heart, they are the ones that holds no hope or promises, they are the kind considered as farewell.

But mine, it is neither sad nor happy. It doesn't hold hope or carry any promises. It is the type considered a bad-bye. Because it wasn't filled with fathomable emotions, the emotions were of pain, breakage, shatters, loss and looming death.

This farewell was the grandest of hurt embedded into it.

It holds no future, no hope, no warmth, no light. It was just bland but it was carrying the heaviest of sad emotions. Emotions that washes away any strength left in one. Emotions that weakens even a giant. Emotions that chokes. Emotions that kills.

I sat on my chair in my bedroom workspace area facing my phone's camera that was ready to record me. My hands were shaking, shaking from the intense fatigue and sadness that is consuming my wholeness.

The night that passed was the most horrible night I have ever experienced. I took pills to help me summon sleep but it never came to me, I was unable to rest my mind neither could I get a hold of any thoughts. It was rushing in and rushing out at a fast pace, it was crushing me into further pieces of my already shattered self.

I couldn't calm down. I couldn't breathe properly. I couldn't stop thinking. Couldn't stop thinking of everything that has happened to me, everything that has gotten damaged.

Them and the cancer.

Went back in time to journey down back to this very moment, I went back to see and search for what went wrong. To look for the potholes that made things started to fall apart but my search was in vain. It was pointless. It was of no use.

The only thing I was able to accomplish through that back tracking into memory was getting more tired, more weak, more broken, more teary.

I feel so dead. Like a living dead.

Through the night, I started to think of how I want to leave today, how I want to say my farewell and I arrived to an idea that resulted into me sitting before my phone camera right now to record me.

I have things to say, things I can't face them to say because I didn't want fake sympathies, fake apologies, fake caring. Things that if I say face to face would worsen my emotional, physical and mental health.

It was so evident that things were becoming worse within me, I could feel it deep into my bones that this cancer was taking over my entirety. The neverending fatigue, the unstoppable headache, the constant dizziness and the annoying itchiness all night long was an obvious fact that my health state was worsening.

It was declining.

And I didn't know what to feel about the cancer anymore.

I'm filled with so much anger, sadness, pain and developing hatred. These are emotions one shouldn't feel at once but here I am, reeling in it. It was fueling me to do things that I'd have never considered and that's why I settled for leaving them this message instead of pouring out my rage in whatever form or shape it wants to come out.