louis' diary // larry stylinson au

quatre

3rd January 2015

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was... Amazing. I don't even know how to describe it. It was probably one of the best days of my life. Harry and I were... Well, close. Very close. When I knocked at the door, he let me in and kissed my cheek. We went to his room and hugged, like always. But this hug seemed different. He held me close and ran his hand in my hair, then he cupped my cheeks and looked at me in the eyes with a smile on his beautiful, pink lips. Something happened, it may be nothing but to me, it was everything. He stared - literally - at my lips for a few seconds. He was about to kiss me! Me! I can't believe it. Maybe it was just a bro thing to him but not to me. It made my year, to be honest. But when our lips were about to touch, he pulled back with a slight blush because his mum came in. She smiled brightly when she saw how close we were and told us lunch was almost ready, before sending me a wink and going back to the kitchen.

Nothing else really interesting happened that day, I mean, it was quite calm. But it was still the best day of my life, I almost kissed the boy I love! I was so happy for the rest of that day and when I came back home my father looked at me with a questioning look but he dropped it when I just shrugged. It was kind of weird interacting with him without it ending up badly.

School starts again tomorrow and I'm really not ready to go, I don't want to, but Harry will be there and it makes me feel better. Kinda. I'm not being bullied or anything, people are nice to me, so are the teachers, but I just don't like it. And, after all, who does? I don't know anyone who's always excited to go to school, listen to a teacher rambling about something you won't use in your life at all, and then have tons and tons of homework to do at home. I'm not saying school is pointless; having knowledge in things is great, but sometimes I just want to go home and breath for a second. And some of the classes are stupid. I'd rather learn how to pay taxes and how it works to buy a house or stuff like that. But... I have to go to school if I want a real job later, so. I have to be a bit more positive, even though it's hard.

I should go to bed now. The day wasn't really busy but I'm tired. I'm always tired. I think too much at night, because I'm all alone and I have no one to stop all of the bad thoughts. They're mostly about myself, really. I always wonder why I'm gay, why does my father hate me, why am I not interested in soccer and girls like every other boys... I ask myself these questions every single day, every single night, except when I'm with Harry. Because, even though I truly wish he didn't, he makes me happy. He makes me so happy and I'm so fucking in love with him I wish I could hold him forever. But at the same time I wish I didn't love him, I wish I was normal, I wish I had a crush on that popular girl at school.

I really need to stop. It is what it is. I can't change, even if I tried.

Keep my secrets safe.

Louis. x