SALIGIA SERIES #1: SUPERVIA

XXI

The whole ride home was quiet. A deafening silence.

Pakiramdam ko ay lalamunin na ako ng kinauupuan ko sa sobrang katahimikan.

I slowly peek at Emir at my side to see if she seems pissed about what happened only to find her stoic face lazily driving us home.

I attempted to open up a conversation for a couple of times pero iisang salita lamang ang nagising sagot niya sa akin. When it finally hit me that even though she was very gentle when she approached me a while ago, she is still pissed as hell.

I couldn't blame her either. Kung ako ang nasa sitwasyon niya ay baka, hindi lang silent treatment ang mangyari — I would raise hell.

Marahan na lamang akong napailing sa sarili dahil sa naisip.

Walang nagsalita buong byahe pauwi. It was a painful and dreadful ride home kaya naman ng matanaw ko na ang bahay ko ay para akong nakahinga ng maluwag. If I seated out for a couple more minutes without another sound from the both of us, I might go crazy.

Maybe we needed that silence. We need to think about what happened tonight all throughout.

Emir didn't even mention a word about it and she didn't even react. Which is what bothers me more?

Her expressionless face makes me cold to the bones. Mas gustong maramdaman ang galit o kahit ano mang emosyon galing sa kanya than this kind of treatment from her. The silent punishment is killing me. It's filling me with questions and guilt all over my body, which makes me feel bad even more.

Nang makapasok sa bahay ay hindi pa 'rin bumibigkas ng kahit ano si Emir. We both share the silence on my way up to my room. Nang panaka-naka ko siyang tignan ay seryoso lamang ang mukha niya.

Ni hindi nililingon ang gawi ko at diretso lamang ang tingin sa daraanan, tila hangin lamang ako sa tabi niya habang ako ay hindi na magawang ipirmi ang sarili ko rito.

Her ocean blue eyes were cold, so calm like a sea before a storm. It didn't show any shadow of anger or contempt towards me. Parang mas lalong natakot ang puso ko as I try to test the water.

What if she decides that whatever we are doing right now is complete foolishness?

What if she decides that I'm not worth the shot?

What if she leaves me after this night?

I did something bad, I knew it. Kahit pa anong justification ang sabihin ko, I know I hurt her feelings.

Kaya naman ng marating namin ang kwarto ko, I immediately made up my mind. I need to initiate the talk, I need to make the first move. Kasalanan ko ito, kaya nararapat lang na pagdusahan ko.

I did something wrong, I should apologize.

Ma-pride akong tao pero kung alam kong kasalanan ko naman, I would willingly make amends even if I don't do it too often than I should - I always try!

"Emir—"

"I'll just wash up." Something inside of me aches as I heard her cold voice. Walang bahid ng kahit anong emosyon sa tinig niya. Isang silip lamang ang iginawad niya sa akin bago tuloy-tuloy na naglakad papunta sa shower room ko.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang mapa-upo sa kama at mapahilamos ng kamay sa sobrang frustration.

I don't fucking know how to do this! Hindi ako marunong maglambing ng mga tao!

Should I text and ask Ivah what to do? Ngunit iniisip ko pa lang na gagamitin niya iyon sa akin sa mga susunod na linggo ay hindi na pumapayag ang katawang lupa ko.