"starlit nights, lonely, just because you aren't around"

tecchou hates himself

TW; MENTIONS OF SU!C!DE AND S3LF-H4RM

I HOPE UDM ME POSTING THIS AND I'LL TAKE IT DOWN IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ME SHARING THIS :( I MADE IT SO THAT THE EVENTS ARENT MENTIONED DIRECTLY BUT PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU'RE NOT OKAY WITH IT 

to be honest, i wrote this because i'm so fucking concerned about my friend but i know i can't do anything about it and i'm going to be so fucking devastated because i may be able to help her now but just don't have the fucking guts to. i'm not going to mention who she is and we aren't close at all tbh but she's very nice and friendly i don't fucking understand why people mistreat her so much she doesn't deserve it. she deserves so much more. i never actually interact with her at all (i hope some of y'all from the server know who i'm talking about) like i know she may be lying but i highly doubt it. she's really kind and was my first friend (friendlist) from the server and i hate how her other "friends" are treating her i absolutely hate that i can't help her cope with what she's gone through because i don't understand. why do the best people always get the worst experiences? i've been worrying my ass off the whole day and my friends are just being so fucking insensitive and relating her to another girl who tried to commit su!c!de by stabbing her arm (to get attention from one of the friends) like shut up. she isn't like that bitch at all. she's such an angel i don't understand. she may or may not read this fic but i do care about her. she's so amazing in so many ways and she doesn't see it. she deserves the world, and whoever the fuck makes her sad or anything bad deserves to die, go kys. i'm not even saying this to be nice or anything. i'm saying this because i mean it. she should see herself more positively, ignore what others think. they're assholes. i genuinely hope you feel better (if you read this and know i'm referring to you), and if you need anything don't hesitate to come to me for help ☹️☹️

"Oi, Tecchou. We have a fucking mission to get to, what the fuck are you doing?" Jouno yelled, opening Tecchou's room door and sensing for any sign of Tecchou. Yet, there was no breathing to be heard, and there was no pulse at all. "Where the fuck- was there an ambush?" He muttered under his breath, cursing silently. Just then, his sensitive nose picked up the smell of blood. "Of course you can't do anything without me." He complained, ready to attack whoever was ambushing Tecchou. He heard Tecchou's faint pulse coming from the bathroom, but no one else was around. That had Jouno confused. "Tecchou?" No response. "Tecchou-san..? This isn't funny.." Jouno grumbled. It wasn't like Tecchou to not respond at all. "Tecchou-san..?!" Jouno rushed over to Tecchou, who lay unconscious on the bathroom floor. There was a razor on the floor nearby, and Jouno found it to be blood-stained. He immediately felt for any injuries on his partner to find that he had stabbed himself in the wrist multiple times and there were deep cuts on his neck and thighs, all dripping with fresh, crimson blood. "Fuck.."

The mission was given to Teruko and Fukuchi instead, and Jouno waited beside Tecchou's bed on a chair, his eyebrows furrowed in frustration and worry for Tecchou. He looked like he had been crying. "I should've realised it sooner. I should've realised it sooner.." Jouno went on and on, muttering those words to himself, as tears continued to form at his eyelids. He let them roll down his cheeks, his tear-stained face weary and pale. Even Tachihara slipped by at night to visit Tecchou. He had to leave quickly, however, leaving a crying Jouno and an unconscious Tecchou together in a hospital room. It appeared that Tecchou had also hit his head hard with the metal beam that you use to hang towels, and got a concussion, leading to a suspected short-term coma.

 A few days became weeks, and weeks became months. Tecchou still laid unconscious on the same hospital bed, and Jouno still came to visit every day, without fail. Oftentimes, Jouno would fall asleep on Tecchou's hand, which remained as unresponsive as ever. It had been eight months since Tecchou was last conscious. Jouno hated to admit it, but he missed Tecchou. If going on missions on Tecchou was bad, going on missions with Teruko was even worse. Teruko made him feel utterly useless. She had both smarts and combat skills, and she was positive about everything, yet sadistic at the same time. She hated things not going her way, and Jouno would have to follow through with what Teruko wants. He hated it. He despised it. He was hard on himself, constantly thinking, "Why didn't I notice sooner?" 

Time flew by, and eight months turned into two years and nine months. Jouno felt pathetic. He felt so fucking pathetic, clinging onto false hope. He knew that Tecchou would most likely never wake up. The least he could do for Tecchou was to exact revenge on the people who made him feel the need to harm himself. After researching, he found out that it was him. Jouno fucking Saigiku, who made Tecchou feel that way. Of course. Jouno's head pounded, and he fell onto his knees, sobbing waterfalls and for the first time in what seemed like forever, he opened his eyes. He was still unable to see, of course, but opening the eyes he oh-so hated felt deserved. For once in his goddamned life, Jouno hated himself. He hated how he was so fucking cocky and insulted Tecchou so badly. He hated how it was his fault this whole thing ever happened. 

He trudged into Tecchou's room with a knife in hand, and with a smile on his face, his eyes wide open. "Tecchou.." Jouno started, his eyes already tear-filled. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault, I shouldn't have been so mean and rude to you..! Didn't you know that I meant it as a joke? I'm sorry, I-I miss you. Please forgive me." Jouno broke down, the knife cutting through his flesh painfully and slowly, but he wasn't even crying because of that. He felt no pain. "You deserve so much more. I'm sorry. Please don't die. I'll kill myself before you even manage to die. Tecchou, wake up.. you're supposed to see me die so that all your troubles go away, disappear to the depths of hell..! C'mon, Tecchou-san. You aren't dead. No you aren't." He was going through much more mental torture than physical torture, and he had already cut off two fingers. "J-Jouno-san..?! What are you doing-?!" "Tecchou..? It worked.. it worked, finally, I-" Jouno flung himself onto Tecchou, and hugged him tight, sniffling loudly. "Jouno-san..your fingers- what have you been doing?!" He asked concerned, and Jouno let out a muffled laugh. "It's my fault, isn't it? I did this so you get to watch me bleed out to my death! Aren't you happy?" "No- Jouno, no! Are you mental?! It was never your fault." 

"You're lying. It's always my fault. I always insult you and I'm always rude to you- You're so much better than what I make for you to be. But you're awake now, so I can die in your presence! You'll get the revenge you've always wanted, haven't you? I missed you so much, Tecchou. I wish I could fucking see. It's my fault. You had no part in this. It's all my fault, I-"

"It's not your fault, Jouno! I'm just an insensitive little shit who doesn't show anything, you wouldn't have been able to tell..! I don't want you to die..I've been fighting the voice inside my head for so long just to see you and the other hunting dogs again- don't kill yourself, don't blame yourself! I'm sorry I made you worry, I'm sorry I'm such a terrible partner."

"No.. why would you want to see me..? It's my fault you fell into the coma, it's my fault you've been suffering.. If I die like this, I'll be content- I'm the one at fault here." Jouno cried into Tecchou's shoulder, and Tecchou was fighting for Jouno's "innocence", tears staining his face as well. "If you kill yourself, I'll have no fucking purpose to live. I'll simply kill myself too." Tecchou spoke, and Jouno's heart raced. "What..?" Tecchou sighed in frustration, and kissed Jouno. It was a soft kiss, feathery light and passionate. "I-"

"I love you, Jouno Saigiku." 

"..I love you too, Tecchou."

"But unfortunately, this isn't a reality we can have. We had too little time."

(haha jouno bled to death)

this ngl hit pretty hard

please don't be so insecure about yourself :( i love you and care about you a lot, even if we aren't close.