T.W- talks of abortion
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Three weeks later
I held my head over the toilet retching up the last of my breakfast, I groaned and flushed the toilet. Washing my face with cold water and brushing my teeth. Strolling out of my en-suite I saw Anna seated on my bed. My room fully furnished from Anna and I going and getting everything we needed for the flat a few weeks ago. I had mainly white bedroom with hints of colours when it came to the decor, I brought a new desk that was in front of my window for my work when I needed to do it at home. A few things laid on the floor from Anna running around like a mad chicken when I burst into the toilet to be sick.
"How are you feeling?" she asks with a worried expression, she was playing with something behind her back and passed me a glass of water. I took it from her shaking a bit while I sipped the it.
"Not great, I'm never eating what you cook for me ever again. It's made me puke up" I replied, putting the grey hoodie on from the guy at the hotel. I sat on the bed and Anna crawled up to me holding my hand.
"It wasn't because of me, I only gave you cereal" Anna said while rubbing circles on my wrist. I looked over at her, we started our job at the same law firm last week and started getting into a routine before I was poisoned by cereal, luckily it was a Saturday and we both had the day off. Maybe it was a virus or something.
"You're going to argue with me, but I think you should do this" she passes me a white and blue box. Clearblue. It was a pregnancy test, no I can't be.
"Im on the pill, I can't be Anna" I leant back staring at the ceiling. Theres no way it was one time and I'm on birth control. Another wave of nausea ran through me, dread settled in my bones. Bollocks. I might actually be up the duff.
I snatched the box out of her hand and ran into the bathroom. I threw the box onto the marble counter and looked at my reflection, my skin was slightly dull. I had dark circles and my hair was tied up out of my face. I lifted my jumper up and turned to the side. My eyes flicked down to my stomach. Nope no bump I'm 100% not pregnant, were just overreacting. I sat down on the toilet with a sigh I ripped open the box and followed the instructions. Back in the bedroom I threw the test at Anna.
"It takes three minuets, but I'm too scared to check" I say looking at her. She picks up the test and places it face down the bedside table. Anna stretches her arms out, inviting me for a hug. I crawl into bed and rest my head on her chest. I can't tell if I'm going to hurl again or not. I'm scared.
"Whatever it says, we will handle it. Im here for you I always am" Anna mumbled in my ear. She turns the TV on and flicks through her channels settling for some boring day time show that we pay no attention to anyways. I can't be my parent would kill me, they wouldn't let me keep the baby if I was pregnant. Her timer goes off on her phone, ringing starts in my ears. Fuck. She reaches over, grabs the test and flips it. Her face barely changes, but I'm close enough with her to know even the smallest change in her face. Her eyes widen slightly and her lips part. She sucks her bottom lip into her mouth. One line I'm not pregnant, two lines I am. She flips the test around, but I already know.
Two lines.
Fuck.
I don't even know the name of the Childs father. Not the biggest question right now. Am I going to keep the baby, I'm only about three and a bit weeks along. It's early enough to have the option. I've just started my own life, I have responsibilities I can't be responsible for a child.
On the surface I'm a confident strong women, and every day I try to convince myself of that but on the inside deep in my soul, I'm still a scared little girl who fears abandonment. Someone deprived of early attachments. I have flaws and I'm not so sure that I could bring up a child. A little girl terrified of rejection and who just wants to be loved. I hope one day that doubt seems out of me, out of my mind, body, blood and skin. Until I truly believe I am strong women. Maybe a baby is what I need, unconditional love that will never disappear. Maybe I can heal during this and become someone who deserves the love this baby can offer.
"What are we going to do" Anna asked gently, touching my arm. I come back to reality and take a deep breath, trembling slightly.
"I have no idea" I reply, as tears well up, my eyes sting, my chest is heavy. I feel like I'm shrinking. Look at me of course I can't handle being a mother. My own early looked at me unless it was to bring me down.
"It's fine we have a while to decide" Anna wraps me up in a hug sinking into my chest. She's right. I can sit on it I don't need to decide right away, I can take the next two weeks to decide. But deep down I lean towards being a mother might not be the best idea. I lay down having an internal battle in my head. To be or not to be a mother.
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A/N: a short chapter this time, it's late so probably not amazing. I might go back and add some more to it in a few days. I just wanted to separate the time slots between the start of the story and if we skip a few weeks or not. Thanks xoxo
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