Missing in action

Chapter six

Two weeks later

Anna turned the music up in the car while keeping her eyes on the road, her hair swung round her shoulders as she bopped her head to it. My gut was doing somersaults. We were on our way to the clinic, I was planning to terminate the pregnancy. But before I did I had to have a scan to ensure that the egg didn't implant in the wrong place. I was at high risk of an ectopic pregnancy because of my family's medical history. I looked down at my nails, they had grown out and I needed them doing again, I started picking at the white gel polish, my nerves getting the better of me. 

We pulled into the clinics car park and Anna shut off the car turning my way, offering a reassuring smile. She was my rock these past few weeks, I couldn't have done it without her, she's shown me I have strength I never knew I had. I ran my hands down my jeans, wiping the sweat off my clammy hands. Opening the door the soft summer breeze hugged me, comforting my nerves. I was in the grey jumper I stole from the baby daddy whose name is still unknown. For some reason I kept wearing it as a form of anxiety blanket, slightly attached to it. 

"Let's go lovey" Anna said, bring me back from my trance. We walked through the doors of the clinic and the hospital smell invaded my senses. The morning sickness from this pregnancy has been awful, I put a hand on my stomach taking some deep breaths trying to not barf all over the people in the waiting room. 

Turning towards the receptionist, a kind middle aged lady looked back at me, her golden hair ties up in a French twist, glasses perched on her nose. The smile lines on her face were prominent, it seemed that she was a happy person. A big contrast to me right now with a face like a slapped arse and my right eye twitching expecting to hurl at any moment. Classy. 

"Hi honey, whats your name?" the receptionist asks me with a soft smile that reached her eyes. 

"Evelyn. Thompson" I replied looking beside me at Anna who had her finger in her gob, chewing her nails like a life line. We were both emotional wrecks, Anna started her period this week and I had pregnancy hormones, not a good combination when we both cried at the supermarket because they had sold out of Nutella. 

"Okay, they're ready for you in room 3" the receptionist said tapping away at the keyboard. We walked over into the room and there was a nurse wiping down the chair, her hair up in a bun with white scrubs on. Anna closed the door behind us, the walls were a pale blue with sunflowers painted on the walls. I slipped on the chair staring up at the ceiling, the cold leather wasn't very comforting on my back. 

"Hello, i'm Kate your nurse. So we're checking everything safe today. If you wouldn't mind lifting your jumper and pulling your jeans down a bit" the nurse said grabbing a bottle of jelly. I done what Kate had asked me and felt the cool liquid on my lower stomach. She then ran the ultra-sound handle on my stomach, checking out everything. 

I squeezed my eyes shut, I didn't want to see anything, I couldn't bring myself to look. Anna's hand held my shoulder, she knew how I felt. My nerves were shooting through my body, I was being weighed down by dread. 

"Looks all okay my dear" Kate said in a soft voice, following up with "You can book an appointment for a termination, we have a lot to offer in terms of emotional support as well if you would like to be referred"

I turned my head towards the screen, expecting it to be black from her powering down the machine. But my heart jumped when I looked over and saw a tiny grey blob on the screen. Was that my blob my body was making. 

"Is that it?" I whispered, I couldn't bring myself to say my baby. Mine. Kate hummed a response. That was the result of the pill failing me and possibly the best sex of my life, I couldn't take my eyes away from it. 

We grow up with ideas of love from the movies we watch. For so many of us love is a mystery and I knew in that moment I had never experiences love this strong. My baby I loved already unconditionally even though it was only a few weeks old. 

The screen went black and the nurse wiped the jelly off of me. I looked down and my eyes stung. I quickly dragged my hoodie down and ripped my jeans up after stepping off the bed. Kate was mid way through explaining something as I darted through the doors. I needed fresh air, panic was crawling up my spine like a parasite. 

I rushed out of the front doors and walked around the side of the building. Sinking to the floor the emotions I was keeping under wraps exploded. Floodgates of tears streamed down my face silently. I knew in my heart what I was going to do but saying it out loud seemed harder. 

Within the tears that blurred my vision I saw a bright hint of red off to my right. Anna was there letting me cry, but letting me know she was there for when I wanted to talk. 

True friends are those rare people who come to find you in dark places and lead you back to the light, that's what Anna and I were to each other. A life line. Her and this baby, I had the only two people I needed in my life to be happy. 

"I want to keep it" I whisper to her, even the birds seemed to have shut up at my confession. "But I don't even know if I can be a good mother, I'm not sure I deserve this type of love from a child. I don't want to keep you back either." I say. My mother was never much of a caregiver, I never felt a deep connection to anyone but Anna and now this baby. I carry on with "I'm not even sure after years of struggling with self doubt that I could be a good role model for a whole child Anna, but after seeing them I know now I can't live without them"

"Okay" she mumbled "You'll be a milf at least" she joked. A small laugh fell out of my throat, she managed to make me laugh even at a time like this. 

"I wish you could see how worthy you are of good things Evy, of genuine love and deep connections of happiness. I wish you could step out of your mind for one moment and see everything you deserve because one you see who you are there's no denying you would be the most loving mother. You're worth so much more than you've been made to feel ins the past by your mother and your shitty ex, your past experiences do not define you or your future though. Or your ability to love and to be loved. I will stick by your side like an annoying smell throughout it all, you can't get rid of me because you mean too much to me and also I would be an amazing aunty. We've got this together" Anna admits with tears in her eyes, the emotional wrecks are back at it crying behind the clinic and blabbering I love yous.

"What about the father, the baby won't have a dad" I say wiping snot from under my nose. 

"Well I could cut my hair short and pretend to be a guy but I think my tits are too big" Anna replied looking down at her cleavage. "Anyway who needs men, I sure as hell don't and neither do you" she carries on smiling at me. Maybe she's right, maybe we can raise a bay fine without a dad, loads of people don't have dads. But should I try to find the father to let him know he has a child, I don't even know the guys name. 

"Did you catch the name of the guy I was with from Daniel?" I ask Anna, unsure if I truly wanted to find out who he was. 

"Urm, well I was pretty sloshed. But I remember something about Randy? Rango? It sounded something like that" Anna replies, her eyebrows furrowed as she mumbles Rango and things that rhyme with it. The hot guys name could be Rango, I'm sure thats not true. Maybe that's why he didn't day his name because it was really strange. At least it would be easy to find I'm sure there aren't many Rango's around. Anna gasps suddenly her face lightening up, she remembers his name. 

"It was Mango I'm sure of it" she looks at me with glee on her face. She's gone mad, I've broken her. 

"What and he has a sister called Papaya" I laughed raising my brows and drying my face with the sleeve of the hoodie. 

"You never know, the rich call their kids some whacky names" She giggled back and me leaning her head on my shoulder. She smelt like cherries, one of the only things I could stand at the moment. She stood up and offered her hand to me, grabbing it and pulling myself off we walked back to the car ready to start a new journey together.   

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A/N: I recon ill carry on the story for a while with a few chapters of the pregnancy. Enjoy xoxo