You vs. My Whole Life | Bang Chan

My Side

I gripped the bullet in my hand tightly, desperately hoping it would somehow calm my nerves or give me strength and reassurance that everything would be alright. The cold metal causing the exact opposite I intended it to, my heartbeat sped up uncontrollably. 

It was the same one Chan had pulled out of his shoulder in my living room back when he broke into my apartment for the second time. I've kept it for no particular reason. 

Tonight was d-day.

And although we went over the plan and multiple possible outcomes and I technically knew that Chan wouldn't let anything happen to me, I was scared. Well, that's the understatement of the century.

I was completely terrified. Not necessarily for myself but for everyone involved.

I took a deep breath, clutching the bullet even tighter in my shaking hand. 

"Are you alright, love?" Chans voice startled me. I shook my head no. 

"You can still back out, you know," he sighed, taking my hand in his. I shook my head again.

"I won't." No matter how afraid I was, I wouldn't let all of my friends and family deal with my self chosen battle. 

He slowly pried my hand open with his, eyeing the bullet on my palm. Another deep sigh from him. 

"Let me show you something." Without warning, he yanked his shirt over his head, revealing his muscular torso. I sucked in a breath, my eyes wandering over his strong body. 

"Believe me, I've imagined this situation to be way different too," he joked halfheartedly as I continued to stare at him. His body was covered in many different scars. 

He took the bullet out of my palm and turned so I could see his shoulder. Then he placed the bullet right where it was stuck a few months ago. 

"Gunshot wounds hurt from the second you're shot until it's healed. As long as the bullet stays in your body you won't bleed out. I figure you've learnt as much from Seungmin." He turned his body again, showing me his back.

"Knife wounds are similar. They hurt most the moment they're inflicted. Even if it's instinct, don't pull out the knife." He pointed to a long scar on his lower back. 

"Remember our fight where you won over me because you played unfair?" A grin appeared on his face, our first kiss flashing through both of our minds. "Remember how every single punch hurt?" I nodded because he was waiting for a reply. 

"Everything that could happen tonight will hurt a thousand times worse."

Well, great. Thanks for trying to calm my nerves, idiot.

"But even if the rarest case occurs and you actually get hurt," he pointed to the scars on his chest and lower abdomen "it will heal. Don't focus on the pain and keep fighting no matter what. Stay awake. Stay alive."

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 

And what doesn't make you pee your pants makes you brave or whatever.

He put the bullet back in my hands, closing my fingers back around it. "Your first priority might be Johnny Suh, but you're my priority, Y/N. I'll fight for you. I'll fight alongside you. I'll fight under your command."

Jeongin entered my room once Chan left, giving me an unsure smile. 

"Sorry, Y/N. I just thought we'd suffer together. It's my first invasive mission and the first time I get to carry a gun." He seemed just as anxious as I was.

"I'm so fucking scared, Jeongin" I whispered and he gave me another smile. 

"Me too. But I think we all are on edge about this. It's NCT after all."

"At least you get to have a gun to defend yourself," I couldn't contain my envy. He most definitely had more skills with a firearm and longer training altogether. But I couldn't help it. 

"You've got Chan and Minho there who are a better protection than whatever full ammo weapon anyone could own." He chuckled and I had to admit the truth of his statement. 

Still.

I wanted a gun. It would make me feel... better?

"But I guess, you're not the only one thinking you'd need a gun," he pulled something out of the back pockets of his jeans. "Hyunjin gave me this for you."

He handed me a gun with a fully loaded magazine. My eyes went wide. 

"B-But Chan said he didn't want me to have a gun." Had he changed his mind? 

"He doesn't. And if he finds out Hyunjin gave you this, he'll have a serious problem." Jeongin cocked his head to the side. "But if you don't want it, I'll give it back to him."

I quickly took the weapon and put it in the drawer of my nightstand, hiding it since I wasn't supposed to have it. Jeongin laughed at my action.

"Hyunjin said no matter what he would be at fault. And he would rather be at fault for giving you a gun and the possibility of you shooting someone than be at fault for you getting hurt." Jeongin gave me another smile. "He figured Chan would be angry with him for that," he nodded towards my hide "but he'd kill him if you'd ...."

He didn't have to finish the sentence for me to know what he meant. 

He'd probably kill everyone if I'd die. All hell would break loose. 

"Thank you, Jeongin." I pulled him in for a hug. He gave me a foxy grin.

"May the odds be ever in your favor." 

We went over the plan one last time before splitting up into the teams we decided on and heading towards the enemies hideout. Hyunjin gave me a quick nod when he spotted the gun strapped to my leg. I had tried to conceal it poorly with knives and other weapons covering it as best as I could. 

"Does everyone know what to do?" Chan questioned, earning a loud 'yes' from everyone.

"To speak you have to tap your in-ear device twice. All of them are on so you're able to hear what everyone says." Felix explained his gadget and sent us on our ways.

Chan took my hand in his and squeezed it reassuringly. It felt like he tried to tell me that everything would be fine. I took it as a 'if we die, we die together' instead.

"Thank you for doing this - again", Sana whispered and I took her hand in my free one, squeezing it the same way Chan had done to mine.

"If everyone sticks to what we planned, it will work." I sounded so much more convinced than I actually was and Chan smiled at my words. 

However once we reached our final destination the blood froze in my veins. Every single pair of eyes fixed on Chan in silent hopes he had a plan b or plan z for this possibility.

All of NCT stood on said field ready for battle. It's like they knew we were coming.

And Chan seemed just as clueless what to do.