You vs. My Whole Life | Bang Chan

Super Board

Trigger Warning: This chapter contains mentions of torture and drowning. Please don't read if those topics are triggering to you in any way. Your mental health matters. 

I learned that pain grows in silence, trapped inside a room, with no place to go.

Sometimes I wondered what was harder; falling asleep or waking up? Some people might say they go hand in hand which made sense. If you can't fall asleep at night, waking up in the morning is a struggle too. But for me in my current situation waking up was the easiest thing since I got to see her face again. 

I considered her bringing me breakfast the most exciting and wonderful part of my day and as a tortured prisoner who had been rotting in the same cell for a week, romanticizing breakfast was all I had to look forward to. 

It was fascinating actually. The way she effortlessly tore down the barricade I had put up to shield myself from my emotions. The second I saw her face or heard her voice or smelled her scent - god I felt like a fucking animal- my walls crumbled. 

I knew I should've looked away but I was mesmerized by her again.

She put the same bland porridge I had been having all week in front of me and as if my body worked like a clock, my stomach made a dying noise. 

I gave her a grin that had to look more like a scary grimace at this point and tried to make her stay for just another second by starting a stupid conversation.

"I ordered chocolate flavor today," god damn my attempts at a joke were beyond embarrassing.

But to my surprise she whispered something back.

"We came to this."

Four simple words that scared me to death but also made me feel alive. Just the simple fact that she was talking to me - fuck I was pathetic. 

"You should stop caring about me now."

My excitement died. Just like that. 

My head was ringing, screaming at me to say the right thing - to say anything.

"Tell me what's on your mind. Everything you haven't said." My voice was a broken whisper, begging her to talk to me. And now that I panicked and knew I had to say something, I couldn't stop. 

"Scream at me, curse me out, blame me for pulling you into this mess of a life. As long as you get it all out of your system, we can go back to how things were. I'm certain so-"

"Just let me go," she pleaded, a single tear running over her cheek, falling on her lips I was so desperate to taste. She avoided my eyes.

Trying to break down the invisible wall between us was slowly but surely breaking my heart.

"That's the thing, Y/N," I smiled sadly at her. "All this time I've lived in the pain of not being able to forget you." The flame in my heart wouldn't fade. There was no way to put out the fire in my heart.

"If you cry I'll cry with you. If you lean on me, I'll hold you." I was repeating my words from a long time ago to her. 

"You might not be the you I knew but I'm still me." 

And it wasn't a lie.

I knew I was a fool, but I couldn't live without her. I would admit to being obsessed, it was more than an unhealthy addiction. Is that what love was always meant to be for me?

I hated myself for letting her go that day, regretting it all this time.

"You know I thought about it, about all the pain I put you through... I thought if it would have been better if we had never met." I took a deep breath, admitting this to myself was hard but admitting it to her was impossible. "And I'm sorry but if we could turn back time I wouldn't change a single thing about our story."

"The only thing I regret is how I treated you that night when everything went wrong. You were so brave and even though you made a mistake, I had no right to say those things to you."

I would keep on searching for her in our broken memories.

"Can you do me a favor? Like fulfill a death man's last wish?"

Don't go anywhere... Stay with me. I couldn't be that selfish.

"Can you... give me a hug... please?"

She didn't say anything.

My heart sobbed for what we had lost.

I couldn't give up on her.

Then her arms softly wrapped around me for what felt like a glimpse of a second before we heard the door upstairs open and she quickly pulled back. Woojin had to be back for todays torture session.

"I'll always find my way to you," I promised, looking into her eyes.

There were so many memories I still wanted to make with her.

I won't end.

Her end is mine.

It was her world and I was just glad to be part of it.

"Even if it looks like I might break, I won't reach my limit." That was the last thing I said before she turned around to leave and Woojin entered my cell.

"Your torture methods so far feel like a warm-up. Is that all you got?" I mocked earning a frown from him. He had burned my skin and poured acid on me so far. And made me vomit the disgusting porridge back up every single time.

But no matter what he put me through, I was ready to bare it all.

The worst form of torture was being trapped in my own mind after all.

And I had become an expert at handling that.

And all along the fact that Woojin had to torture me to get information in the first place gave me the strength to endure it all because it told me one thing. They hadn't gotten any information from her. 

Even if the thought that they probably tried to break her in the same way they were doing to me was unbearable, she had kept our secrets safe.

"It's easy." It was easy because it was her. Enduring everything for her was the easiest thing I had ever done.

Nothing they could do to me could even remotely compare to the hell I had been through when I thought I had lost her forever.

"You're a brave loser," he said, not knowing that nothing he could say or do to me would hurt me.

"I tend to execute the shadows around me, that's why they call me demon slayer." 

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a single sound of pain. No scream, no grunt, even if I needed to bite off my own tongue.

"Don't get cocky, Bang Chan. It will come back to bite you in the ass," I watched Woojin carry a large bucket full of water and place it right in front of my feet. He rolled up his sleeves and grinned at me widely. 

"I call this one Super Board." 

And then he pushed my head underwater. 

I was suffocating, my eyes full of water and my mind full of her.

Don't go. Don't leave me. Please, turn around and look at me.

If you take a step further away from me, I might fall apart. 

Within my blurred vision all I could see clearly was her.

My head went numb.

Blurry lines turned into her figure. 

Fighting the inevitable was useless.

It felt like I was drowning in my tears as they poured down on me endlessly, unforgiving, relentlessly. 

Until I finally collapsed.