You vs. My Whole Life | Bang Chan

Gone Days

"You're still awake?" Even if I hadn't been, the sound of her voice would definitely pull me out of any deep sleep.

They had put me into some sort of cell at the bottom of their base. A cellar that was freezing and where I was chained to a wall like a goddamn animal. My new room completely empty, aside from the chair I was sitting in, waiting for her to return to me. 

"You know I'm nocturnal."

She took a few steps towards me and placed her hands at the sides of my face, the softness of the gesture surprisingly contradicting her cold statements. I wondered if she was about to kiss me for a second before labelling that thought as wishful thinking and shoving it to the back of my mind. That's when her warm hands travelled to caress my ears and I had trouble breathing. 

"Almost forgot about that," she muttered before swiftly pulling out my in-ear piece and cutting off my only form of communication with Stray Kids. 

Fuck.

I cursed myself internally for being so damn affected by her and letting myself get distracted, letting down my guard whenever she was near. 

I had so many questions for her but I knew she probably wouldn't do me the favor of answering any of them. 

"Where's Sana?" I figured she would've had to have taken her with her when she left.

"Safe." Her one word answer that didn't actually answer my question at all annoyed me. It was clear that she didn't want to talk to me but I wouldn't give her that option. 

I had never considered myself to be annoying before but persistent was my second name. 

"Did you know that I'm a pretty good swimmer?" I randomly said, hoping to get some sort of reaction or answer from her but she didn't even look at me. 

"Chicken is my favorite food but I'm not really picky. My favorite color is blue, by the way. Oh and what else?" I pretended to think really hard. 

"I'm a Libra."

"What do you think you're doing?" She sounded more confused than annoyed and I took that as a sign to continue what I was doing.

"I thought about it and I don't think we've ever had a basic conversation. Like I don't know your favorite color but call myself your boyfriend?" I scoffed and shook my head, my voice carrying a playful undertone and a soft smirk placed on my lips. 

"But I guess now we have a lot of time to get to know each other, since I'm not going anywhere."

She made no indication of contributing to the conversation so I just continued my monologue. 

"You're beautiful by the way. I know I should've said it earlier but the new look really suits you." I tried to seem relaxed as I leaned back in the uncomfortable wooden chair, the back of it painfully digging into mine in the process. 

"Coming here was stupid." 

Of course she had to return my compliment with an insult. 

I laughed dryly.

"I just wanted to see my girlfriend again. And would you look at that, you're a leader yourself now. I'm so proud of you." I gave her a sincere smile that she didn't return.

"I'm not your girlfriend. Those are just memories of gone days."

Her words were as sharp as knives. And although I had expected a reaction like that after meeting the cold, heartless version of her, it still hurt nonetheless. I tried to push away the hurt those words caused me but they stung so bad, I couldn't think about anything else. 

Move on. That's what she was telling me to do. Forget about the past. 

Forget about her.

A cold gaze, another gesture meant to send me away.

But my feelings for her wouldn't be erased, even if my heart was in pain and her words stung.

I would do anything to melt her frozen heart, the way she did with mine when we first met 2 years ago. 

So I tried my best to appear unaffected and searched for her eyes again. But when I found them, the slap to my face from her words couldn't even come close to the glare they held. 

"Don't look at me like that." I sounded broken, not even able to hide the pain in my unrecognizable voice any longer.

That was the one thing that hurt more than her venomous tongue. The look in her eyes.

"Like what?" How could one of her questions cut my chest open like that?

"Like you regret being with me. Like our time together was just a mistake to you." My voice trembled as she looked away. My heart felt like it was about to get crushed as it screamed in my chest, actively pushing me to continue to try and make her understand.

"I know you might think that you're no longer mine," my aching heart raced. "But I'll always be yours." Even if she told me she hated me, it wouldn't change anything. 

Love can't be controlled. 

And even if I had control over the power of my love, I would choose her again and again. Every single time. No matter what.

She took another step forward as if she wanted to say something but she kept her lips pressed together, not letting her thoughts escape. But her movement made me focus my attention on her neck where I saw something flash in the faint moonlight that shone in from the single window in my prison. 

Something golden hung around her neck like jewelry, like a pretty necklace. But it was too big and weirdly shaped for a normal charm. 

"You should really get some sleep now," she said and threw her hair back, allowing me to see exactly what she had tied around her neck on a black string. 

She was about to leave when I finally realized what it was.

The bullet that had hit my shoulder, the one I had left on her couch table after disturbing her peaceful night for the second time in a row. 

She had something that reminded her of me on her body at all times, tying us together. 

That's why people say that actions speak louder than words. 

She didn't mean it. She couldn't mean to push me away if she wore my bullet next to her heart. If she carried it with her like a memory she never wanted to forget. 

"You know I can't leave you alone." I was pouring out my heart to her, even if she didn't want to hear it, I needed her to know. When she heard my words she stopped walking up the stairs but she didn't turn around to look at me. 

"I'll keep on waiting for you, however long it takes." 

And then for the first time in what felt like forever I fell asleep, a small smile on my lips.