You vs. My Whole Life | Bang Chan

Lost Me

Chan was next to me in no time. Making sure I'm fine instead of checking if the target was actually dead.

"Are you out of your goddamn mind?!" He grabbed me by my shoulders, shaking me to try and snap me out of this doomed reality. 

I had never seen him so angry before. 

Everything around us was still blurry and all I could focus on were his eyes that had no trace of the usual concern in them. 

Instead of the love they always held for me, his cold eyes displayed a mixture of emotions, none of them pleasing. He was looking at me like I had shot him.

"I- I just did what had to be done-" I stammered, confused why he was mad at me for successfully completing the mission.

He shook his head in disappointment. "Not by you- It was my responsibility- you're my responsibility!" Chan was yelling at me and the ringing in my ears intensified. 

"Chan it's my fault, I couldn't stay with her-" Changbin's voice chimed in but I still couldn't see him. My entire attention was on the man I loved the most. 

"I don't blame you." Chan cut him off as he ran a hand through his messy hair. 

"This is exactly why I didn't want you to carry a gun- where in the world did you get that anyways?" 

Hyunjin gave it to me. But I wouldn't say that now. 

"I needed it to protect myself!" I argued back, slowly getting annoyed at the way he was treating me. I still didn't understand what he was that angry about. All I did was complete the mission.

"I'm here to protect you. Changbin's here to protect you. We're all fucking here to protect you!" The veins in his neck were protruding. 

"And I appreciate that but I still want to protect myself-"

"I tried my hardest but I can't protect you from yourself!"

It finally settled what he meant by that. 

The guilt of killing another human being. The nightmares. The horrible what ifs. He knew all about them. He was preparing himself mentally for the hell that would follow after cold blooded murder - I wasn't.

"I know this is bad timing," Felix was in our ears again. "But one of her bullets hit-" We could hear him take a deep breath like what was about to come out of his mouth next wasn't easy to say.

"Y/N, one of your bullets hit Jeongin in the chest."

The gun fell out of my hand and landed on the ground with a loud clunk as my heart stopped.

OH GOD NO.

I was wrong. If I thought Chan had never looked at me that angry before because right now, his gaze was furious. 

"H-How is he- Is he going to-" I gulped, not able to finish my sentence without sobbing. We were back at Stray Kids Headquarters and while the others were nursing their battle wounds, Chan had pulled me aside to scold me in his room.

My heartbeat was still going a million miles an hour and my breathing only came out erratically. 

I shot Jeongin and now I didn't know if he was going to survive. Sweet innocent Jeongin. 

"We don't know yet. Seungmin is still operating." 

"W-What can I do-" my voice was a mere weak whisper. Cold eyes void of any emotion glaring at me.

"You better pray to anyone listening that Jeongin will be fine." His words were dripping with venom, each one pushing a dagger into my heart. I was about to apologize but quickly shut my mouth because I knew it wouldn't help the horrible situation we were in. 

"What am I supposed to do?" Chan asked, pacing up and down the room but I had a feeling, he didn't really want me to answer his question. Then he continued talking to himself, occasionally giving me a glare.

"Not only did you go against my orders," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "You injured one of our own." 

"I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"Think? Yeah you didn't." His voice was as cold as ice and he had trouble containing his anger.

I dug my teeth into my bottom lip to keep myself from crying. 

"The problem is that your actions have consequences." Another harsh glare. "Not just for you."

"Chan, I didn't mean to-" 

"-kill Jeongin?" I winced at his words, the tears gathering in the corners of my eyes daring to spill over. "You still probably did." 

I tried to suck in a breath but he wouldn't let me. No oxygen would fill my lungs, no matter how much I tried, his piercing eyes controlling the air around us would let me suffocate.

I gasped, desperate for air when he finally looked away, and the weight on my chest lifted as if he had been standing on my windpipe. 

"Your problem is to deal with the fact that you killed someone and believe me, it will haunt you for the rest of your life." He took a step towards me. "Maybe Jeongin won't survive and you'll have the blood of our friend on your hands." Another step towards me. 

A single teardop ran down my cheek. 

"My problem is you." 

He took another step towards me and stood so close I could smell him. Our noses could touch any moment and usually I wouldn't mind this position but right now it was threatening. 

"I have two options." His eyebrows were furrowed and I could finally see how he looked hurt and desperate beneath the rage.

"Your decision forces me to either give up my position of the leader which means my family won't survive any longer since I am what keeps Stray Kids together," he closes his eyes for a second.

"Or I can kick you out of the team. But here's the twist: usually nobody is allowed to leave a gang - at least not alive." His thumb carefully wiped the teardrop off my face, showing me a glimpse of the person that loved me. 

Or used to at least.

"So tell me, Y/N. What the fuck am I supposed to do?"

I had made my decision. No matter how much it hurt me, I wouldn't let Chan take the fall. 

All of this dilemma was my fault after all.

As I stepped outside, the cold air of the night welcomed me and soon enough raindrops were falling from my eyes like the teardrops pouring from my sky.